☺☺
♥
Be honest, do you think I could pull off tax evasion,
or is it only cool when rich people do it?
or is it only cool when rich people do it?
••
Kids should think twice about threatening to run away
from home.
It only fills their parents with false hope......
from home.
It only fills their parents with false hope......
••
Thanks to twitter the approval of family and friends has
taken a backseat to the approval of strangers on the Internet.
Thanks to twitter the approval of family and friends has
taken a backseat to the approval of strangers on the Internet.
••
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about
symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.,
when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -
*I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions:
I can tell what's wrong just by looking."
She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down,
quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,
"There you are.
Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you
put to sleep."
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about
symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.,
when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -
*I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions:
I can tell what's wrong just by looking."
She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down,
quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,
"There you are.
Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you
put to sleep."
••
I wanna work at a bank so I can get that employee discount
on money...
on money...
••
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in
a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in
a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
••
Wait - my gym moved?
In 1997?
In 1997?
••
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
••
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I
always call em back and tell them it was their loss
because I'm really fun to talk to.
always call em back and tell them it was their loss
because I'm really fun to talk to.
••
"What's a VCR?"
My 10yo instantly making me feel like the oldest person
who has ever lived.
I need calcium chews for my brittle bones.
My 10yo instantly making me feel like the oldest person
who has ever lived.
I need calcium chews for my brittle bones.
••
I'm an atheist but if lightning struck Trump during his
victory speech I'd become a monk.
victory speech I'd become a monk.
••••
