Down Hummingbird Lane

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you never gotta worry about me cheating on you...
i might eat something that was yours but thats about it...

 

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*speaks at high school graduation*
Your 12 year free trial has expired.
To continue your education please submit your
credit card info.

 

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I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

 

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I'm looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money,
but is really bad at math...

 

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I know we haven't talked in awhile but I've been thinking
about us a lot and I was wondering if you remembered
the name of that burrito place.....
 

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who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy?
5y: mummy ...:
why?
5y: mummy talks more....

 

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My wife says we don't spend enough time together,
so I moved my X-box into the kitchen.

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Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
It has to be, it runs in your jeans! 

like that television commercial... that talks about urgent
diarrhea...
is there any such thing as Non-Urgent diarrhea?

 

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HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no
computer training.
Although that qualifies you for upper management,
it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

 

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An Arab offered me 40 camels for my wife.
I said: "Make it a full carton and we've got a deal."

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