☺☺
♥
We have to stop saying "How dumb can you be?"
Too many people are taking it as a challenge!
Too many people are taking it as a challenge!
••
Know how to tell if a woman is vegan?
You don't have to.
They'll make DAMN sure you know....
You don't have to.
They'll make DAMN sure you know....
••
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious
so I just put a fog machine under my bed..
so I just put a fog machine under my bed..
••
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]:
The police, they say it's now illegal to fake throw a ball...
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Me [hand over phone]:
The police, they say it's now illegal to fake throw a ball...
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
••
Who's General Failure, and why is he reading my hard drive?
••
Alright white people, had to Google "totes" to find out
what the hell it meant.
I know one of you came up with it.
Cut that shit out.
Alright white people, had to Google "totes" to find out
what the hell it meant.
I know one of you came up with it.
Cut that shit out.
••
A motivational sign at work:
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
••
A solicitor for the Red Cross called upon a well-to-do
young couple for a donation.
Hearing a commotion inside he knocked extra-loudly on
the door.
A somewhat disheveled man admitted him in.
"What can I do for you?" he growled, clearly upset about
something.
"I would like to speak to the master of the house," said the
solicitor politely.
"Then you're just in time," barked the young man.
"My wife and I are settling that very question right now...
young couple for a donation.
Hearing a commotion inside he knocked extra-loudly on
the door.
A somewhat disheveled man admitted him in.
"What can I do for you?" he growled, clearly upset about
something.
"I would like to speak to the master of the house," said the
solicitor politely.
"Then you're just in time," barked the young man.
"My wife and I are settling that very question right now...
••
If you piss me off in the grocery store I will get in line
in front of you and pay for a single banana with a
personal check.....
in front of you and pay for a single banana with a
personal check.....
••
Women's Advice to Men;
(1 The reason why our bras don't always match
our underwear is because...
WE actually change our underwear.
(2 No, we're not impressed with your car...
It takes no special skills to make car payments each month.
(3 Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime...
Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to
the number Of baths you take.
(4 The next time you and your buddies joke about
armed women in Combat...
Take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the
toilet rim.
(5 We don't care if you hold the remote -- unlike you,
however...
We just don't enjoy watching 29 seconds of 101 different
programs.
(6 If only women gossip...
How do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
(1 The reason why our bras don't always match
our underwear is because...
WE actually change our underwear.
(2 No, we're not impressed with your car...
It takes no special skills to make car payments each month.
(3 Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime...
Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to
the number Of baths you take.
(4 The next time you and your buddies joke about
armed women in Combat...
Take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the
toilet rim.
(5 We don't care if you hold the remote -- unlike you,
however...
We just don't enjoy watching 29 seconds of 101 different
programs.
(6 If only women gossip...
How do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
••
Wife Passed the Driving Test..
After eleven attempts a wife finally passed her driving test.
Her husband asks, "Now that you have a license,
what can I get you as a reward?"
The wife cheerfully replies, "Oh,
just something cheap to run around in."
So after thinking for a while, the husband goes out to the
local Walmart and buys her some trainers.
He saw the iron coming but was too late to duck...
After eleven attempts a wife finally passed her driving test.
Her husband asks, "Now that you have a license,
what can I get you as a reward?"
The wife cheerfully replies, "Oh,
just something cheap to run around in."
So after thinking for a while, the husband goes out to the
local Walmart and buys her some trainers.
He saw the iron coming but was too late to duck...
••••
