Down Hummingbird Lane

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If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could
make our furniture....

 

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Wife: "How should we celebrate our twenty-fifth wedding
anniversary?"
 Me: "How about five minutes of silence?"

 

••

I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter,
Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after
me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,
right up to the end of the prayer:
“Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed,
“but deliver us some e-email. Amen.”

 

••

I was a war baby.
When I was born,my parents took one look at me and
started fighting.

 

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There's a new bar in town called The Fiddle.
It is really a vile Inn.....

 

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Two men walk into a bar and one says, "Your round".
The other says: "So are you, you fat bastard."

 

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I started bicycling to work to get in shape, but my
friends said it made me look gay.
So for a more macho look I put

racing stripes on the basket.

 

••

My wife is always telling me that...
I don't look at things from her point of view -
so I went and looked out the kitchen window.

 

••

Me: "Doctor, my wife dislocated her jaw.
Can you see her............in, say, four or five weeks?"

 

••

A woman went into Home Depot and asked for a half inch
pipe plug.
“Do you want a male plug, a female plug or both?”
the clerk asked.
The woman answered “I just want to stop a leak.
I’m Not interested in breeding them.”

 

••

“I am always sad when I go to the dentist,
so I put on music and listen through my blue
tooth headphones.”

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