#2975

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If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the
heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a
terrible idea.

 

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You'll catch more flies with honey than you will
with vinegar.
Also a rotting corpse will work. Or poop.
Lots of ways to attract flies.

 

 

Church Bulletin;
"Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking
tonight at Memorial Church.
Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch

 all the way from Africa.

 

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This is how my week goes.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
FridaySaturdaySunday.

 

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My goal has always been to be "dependently wealthy",
as in, it's dependent upon my sorry butt getting out of
bed and going to work!

 

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Dear iPhone,Please stop spellchecking my curse words
into different words.
You piece of shut.
Sincerely, Every iPhone User..

 

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DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I'll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
 ME: Hey bud, you're going on a diet!

 

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.A racehorse owner was furious with his jockey after the
horse he rode came in dead last.
"Could you not have raced any faster?" he raged.
"Sure I could have," replied the jockey,
"but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."
 

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The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask
them a question you want answered.

 

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Valentine's day.
Husband : What do you want for valentine's day ?
Wife: Give me one ring, that's enough.
Husband: From landline or mobile?

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