Down Hummingbird Lane

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If the Powerball has taught me anything,
it's how to turn $200 into $4.....

 

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(Wedding)
 Priest: They've written their vows....
Wife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard*
I love you and cheese the same amount....
 

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Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you're
sprouting tinsel instead.

 

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"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't
have potted geraniums.
Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my
wife told me to water while she was gone."

 

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A baseball signed by me is worth less than an unsigned
baseball.....

 

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Dude on tv just said, "Where there's fat, there's flavor."
He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.

 

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"If beer and women aren't the answer,
then you're asking the wrong questions."

 

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stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD....

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It still makes me sad to think there are people
out there who have a favorite Kardashian.

 

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Zombies and I have a lot in common;
we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
 

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When you're checking for murderers in your house
don't just yell out "hello!" that gives them the upper hand.
Yell, "YOU AINT SHIT!"

 

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Dear Abby, I saw a questionable mole on this girl I like.
How do I tell her without letting her know I hid a camera
in her shower?

 

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“To curb wastage of water during showers everyone at
the hotel was given a shower cap!”

 

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