Down Hummingbird Lane

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I went to the gym today and used a new machine....
I only used it for about an hour, as I started to feel sick,
but it's great: It's got potato chips, candy bars, and all
kinds of goodies in it.

 

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Muffins - for people who don't have the guts to order
cake for breakfast.

 

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I promised my vegetarian wife that I'd never eat a
dead animal again.
It was a silly promise and I wish I'd never made it.
I can't begin to tell you how difficult it is to eat a chicken
while it's flapping its wings.

 

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I didn't hear the sea when I held up a Shell.
I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of
gas station.

 

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I spotted my wife on the roof of the local supermarket
earlier, with a large crowd below looking up at her.
"Please baby, don't jump!" I pleaded. 
"I've had enough," she cried. "I'm gonna kill myself."
"No, you're not, sweetie" I snapped.
"It's only 10 feet, now get down and we'll go and find a
higher roof."

 

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I bought a designer body bag and now I'm scared to
gain weight.

 

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Louis Lane "there is no way broccoli is a superfood!"
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane "My God! Look, it's a superfood!"

 

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I remember when "Something's eating up data."
meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

 

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I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I
don't like.

 

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Few people know that inventor of the car alarm,
Enrico Irritanti, never owned an automobile.
He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.

 

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Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing
about being a parent.
I would have to say it’s the kids.

 

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