••
♥
My girlfriend said “sex is better on vacation".
That was not a very nice postcard to receive.
That was not a very nice postcard to receive.
••
I want to start a car repair shop.
I have already got the air for the tires.
I want to start a car repair shop.
I have already got the air for the tires.
••
I miss the good old days…
when “self-checkout” was faster and less
complicated and called “shoplifting.”
when “self-checkout” was faster and less
complicated and called “shoplifting.”
••
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja
challenge by shopping strictly out of other
people's carts when they're not looking.
challenge by shopping strictly out of other
people's carts when they're not looking.
••
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost
$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap
considering the amount of human trafficking
in the song.
$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap
considering the amount of human trafficking
in the song.
••
I grew up in a house with three brothers, so we all had
to share beds.
I didn't know what it was like to sleep in a bed alone
until I got married.
to share beds.
I didn't know what it was like to sleep in a bed alone
until I got married.
••
Landfills are going to intrigue the hell out of
archeologists in a couple million years.
archeologists in a couple million years.
••
A man appears before a judge one day, asking
for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then
says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a
divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story
house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is
that?
What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is
'I have a headache' and the other story is
'It's that time of the month'."
for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then
says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a
divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story
house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is
that?
What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is
'I have a headache' and the other story is
'It's that time of the month'."
••
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they've
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they've
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
••
One of the funniest lines in movies...
In FM ( Starring, we all love him,
Weird Al Yankovitch )
The bad guys hear a noise behind a door
labeled "supplies".
They decide to check it out.
They open the door and an entire karate
school spills out yelling 'SUPPLIES ! "
In FM ( Starring, we all love him,
Weird Al Yankovitch )
The bad guys hear a noise behind a door
labeled "supplies".
They decide to check it out.
They open the door and an entire karate
school spills out yelling 'SUPPLIES ! "
••
Just found out that "3 Men and a Baby"
isn't a movie about Jesus's birth...
isn't a movie about Jesus's birth...
••••
