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Martin Shkreli in jail: "Can I have an aspirin?"
Jail: "Yes. That will be $197,000."
••
"I made my famous dip for the office party"
You're a regular Abe Lincoln."But he wasn't a chef"
Exactly....
••
Mr.Hey had a leak in the roof over his dining room,
so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman
inquired.
Mr.Hey scowled. "Last night, when it took me two
hours to finish my soup!"
••
A woman's cleavage is something you can
both approve of and look down upon.
••
A drunk guy calls a radio station...
and tells the DJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s,
and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The DJ asks in an impressed tone," It was good of you to call us.
Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the
purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."
••
I slept through my girlfriend's alarm this morning and hit the
ground running after her husband threw me out the window..
••
Won a million dollar lottery and decided... to donate a quarter of it to charity..
So I now only have $999,999.75 left..
••
Fruitcake is like marriage...
It takes two things that are great on their own and mashes them together into one thing that sucks..
••
...and then the whiskey whispered "You should totally tell
her about what your ex used to do to you in bed."
••
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn't real is that
you realize it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents......
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