Down Hummingbird Lane

☺☺

 

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♥

 

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you're late...... We said meet at sunset.
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you damn midget...

 

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I've been informed by TSA that my man-bun
is not allowed on the plane.
They fear a riot from horny women clamoring
to sit next to me.. 

 

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I said to the waiter, "Did you know your finger
is on my steak?"
He said, "Yes, I know.
I didn't want to drop it again."

 

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Kim on FB needs help deciding if the snot in
her kid's nose is from allergies or not.
His Dr. says yes, but she really needs your
opinion.

 

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Made it to the level of old where I turned down
a beer so it wouldn't mess with the aftertaste
of the milkshake I just had....
 

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My fashion sense has been described as
"They probably won't let you in like that" and
"Are those your pajamas?"

 

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I made the mistake of moving in with a hippie.
Hippie roommate -- horrible mistake.
Apparently, when they say peace and love,
what they really mean is filthy and annoying.

 

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To the 11 year old girl on FB with the relationship
status "it's complicated"
How can it be complicated?
Did he take your animal crackers?

 

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 [1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: "Thank you but I'm not cold"
Me: [covering her awful dress] "Yes you are"

 

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dry skin?, flaky scalp?
discoloration?, scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing?, legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

 

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I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is
that you are literally the Monday of my life.

 

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