••
♥
Humans are the only animals
that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies,
who like to eat theirs....
••
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a
popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when
the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, the phone company was again contacted
and told that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine, except that all money was
being returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!
••
My attractive female neighbor is completely
paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her,
she is worried that I may be obsessed with her
and any time she hears a noise in her house she
is...purified?
Oh, wait: petrified.
Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through
binoculars from a tree.
••
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble
before a date because I want to smell nice, but I'm on a budget.
••
That awkward moment you have long eye contact
with someone who's really attractive, only cause
it's too hard to walk away from the mirror.
••
I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by
a boat in Venice.
My gondolences.
••
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how
there isn't any pressure to add to the conversation.
••
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how
much we worry about catching dolphins in our
tuna nets.
••
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn't have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
••
Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum.
They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was
too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency.
One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add
more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named
"Yewin".
The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No!
It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"
••••
