♣♣
♥
The way to a man's heart is thru his stomach.
At least that's what the crazy woman with the
butcher knife kept saying at the murder...
••
Want to get rid of your husband without killing
him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine
nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
••
A judge in a Kentucky court asked,
"Colonel Beaufort, according to my records you
never served a day in the army.
Can you tell me how you came to be called
Colonel?"
The witness replied, "Well, sir, it's like the
'Honorable' in front of your name.
It doesn't mean a thing"
••
Make sure your blind date from the internet has
a big car.
Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
••
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny
stock and found a taker.
"I think this one will really move said the broker,
it's only $1 a share. "
"Buy me 1000 shares. " said the client.
The next day the stock was at $2.
The client called the broker and said, "You were
right, give me 5000 more shares. "
The next day the client looked in the paper and
the stock was at $4.
The client ran to the phone and called the broker,
"Get me 10,000 more shares said the client. "
"Great! " said the broker.
The next day the client looked in the paper and
the stock was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few
days, the client ran to the phone and told the
broker, "Sell all my shares! "
"To whom?......
You were the only one buying that stock. "
••
I don't see any former child prodigies/spelling
bee champions solving any of the world's
problems.
Thanks for nothing, you little burn-outs.
••
Watson, a longtime sales representative became
dissatisfied with his career and decided to
become a police officer.
Several months later, a friend asked him how he
liked his new job.
"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great and the
hours are long, but one thing I really like is that
the customer is always wrong.!
••
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You're Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
••
Don't let people tell you that life after college is
nothing but being poor and tired.
It's 100% true, but it's more fun if it's a surprise.
••
Just as a young man was about to get a chest
X-ray, the equipment slipped and an X-ray was
conducted on his pelvic region instead.
"Oh, no!", cried the lab technician,
"Your reproductive organs just received a huge
dose of radiation!"
"What does that mean?" asked the worried young
man.
"It's serious," replied the technician.
"All your children will be lawyers!"
••
Went to my psychiatrist.
He says, "what does this inkblot look like?"
I said, "it looks like a horrible, ugly blob of pure
evil that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of
sin and degradation.
He said, "no, the inkblot is over here, you're
looking at a picture of my wife."
••••
