••

••

♥

One of the hardest parts of being a parent is 

discovering that your 10 year old is better than 

you at every video game ever.

••

Sometimes, I question my sanity. 

Sometimes, it replies. 

••

I was just cleaning the snow off my car 

when my neighbor came out... 

"What do you think you are doing?" She asked. 

"Just wiping the snow off my windows, love." 

I replied. 

"Put my damn cat down!" She screamed.

•• 

I found out that Jennifer Lopez 

has her bum insured for $300 million... 

Just wait till Lloyd's of London find out that 

there's a hole in it! 

••

In the event of a zombie apocalypse... 

you'll be fine, they only eat brains....

••

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for 

the first time was being wined and dined by 

the State Department. 

The diplomat was not used to the salt in 

American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, 

anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his 

manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and 

return with a glass of water, but then came the 

time when he returned empty handed. 

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my 

water?" demanded the diplomat. 

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," 

stammered the wretched Abdul, 

"A man is sitting on the well!" 

••

My wife was so sick this morning, I had to carry 

her to the kitchen to make my breakfast. 

••

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand  

accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get 

off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich. 

••

Do not be racist; be like Mario. 

He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the 

Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, 

jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a 

Jew! 

••

I hope when they find the cure for cancer, 

it's gluten free, otherwise no thanks. 

••••

••

••

♥

Flex man rushed to hospital after mistakenly 

consuming daffodil bulbs...doctors say he'll be 

out in Spring.

•• 

Oscar-nominated actor Benedict Cumberbatch 

has apologized for referring to black actors as 

“colored” in a recent appearance on a U.S. talk 

show. 

But, on the plus side, now we’ll get to hear 

Al Sharpton try to pronounce 

“Benedict Cumberbatch.” 

••

Our office couldn't afford a paper shredder, so 

we just have a room with a pissed off badger in it 

that we toss documents we don't need into.

•• 

Road Crossing Instructions in Syria: 

"Look both right and left for cars, motorcycles, 

animals and pedestrians, look up for American 

drones, down for bombs and land mines, side 

and back for kidnappers and suicide bombers, 

hold your bags tight and watch every person near 

you...then walk zigzag to avoid bullets."

••

My next door neighbor. Mohammed hasn't let 

his wife out of the house since I mentioned 

that I think veils are sexy. 

••

There's always one of my uncles who watches 

a boxing match with me and says, “Sure. 

Ten million dollars. 

You know, for that kind of money, I'd fight him.” 

As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to 

see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the 

face once and cry. 

••

Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. 

Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson 

about leaving his clothes in the bathroom. 

••

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, 

he will definitely drink. 

••

This blonde buys a box of laundry detergent, 

and it says on the box, “20 uses”. 

A day later, she calls the laundry detergent 

company and says” I bought your product and 

the box says ’20 uses’, but all it does is my 

laundry! 

••

Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport, 

where two dudes hold hands. 

••••

#2600

••

••

♥

If I have a daughter I'm going to name her lizard 

and then she'll get the nickname Liz and everyone 

will be like "oh is it short for Elizabeth?" and she 

will have to say "no my name is Lizard."

••

I hate when homeless people shake their cup of 

coins at me, like yeah I know you have more 

money than me..... No need to rub it in.

••

"I'm telling you, it's all or nothing," the 

exterminator explains to Noah, 

"I can't just leave 2 woodworms. 

It doesn't work like that." 

••

Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles 

begins with "daaaaad I have to peeeeee"

••

The temporary Sunday School teacher was 

struggling to open a combination lock on the 

supply cabinet. 

She had been told the combination, but 

couldn't quite remember it. 

She went to the pastor's study and asked for 

help. 

The pastor came into the room and began to 

turn the dial. 

After the first two numbers he paused and 

stared blankly for a moment.

Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his 

lips moved silently. 

Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly 

turned to the final number, and opened the lock. 

The teacher was amazed. 

"I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. 

"It's really nothing," he answered. 

"The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

••

Don't mess with me. I know Kung Fu, Ju -Jitsu, 

marshal arts, Taekwondo, and plenty of other 

dangerous words.

••

If I'm ever found dead on some jogging trail, 

Please let the cops know my body was dumped 

there and I was killed elsewhere. 

••

A doctor is speaking to his patient. 

‘The results of your last test are conclusive,’ 

he says. 

‘You’ve got six months to live.’ 

‘Oh my God,’ says the patient. 

‘Is there any thing I can do?’ 

‘You could try lots of mud baths,’ says the doctor. 

‘And will that cure me?’ asks the patient. 

‘No,’ replies the doctor. 

‘But it will help you get used to lying in dirt.’ 

••

Damn.... I bought a box of animal crackers and 

it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” 

So I opened up the box, and sure enough...... 

••

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room 

with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. 

As the horrified doctor was examining him, he 

said "Man, how did this happen?" 

The hunter explains that he was out in the woods 

and felt the call of nature. 

Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was 

triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. 

"Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have 

been excruciating!" 

"It was," said the hunter. 

"The second worst pain in my life." 

"Second worst? What could have been worse 

than that?" 

"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.

••

Kentucky Fried Chicken is now offering 

a hot dog in a bun made out of fried chicken. 

It’s part of KFC’s new My Life Has No Value Meal.

♦♦♦♦

••

••

♥

The east coast is experiencing a "Snowpocalypse" 

or as Canada calls it "Monday"...

•• 

People are obsessed with this storm but in ten 

years no one will talk about it anymore, which is 

why they named it after the movie Juno...

••

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean 

all parachutes are perfect.

••

A guy was lost on the Mall by the Washington 

Monument. 

He stopped a policeman and asked, "What side 

is the State Department on?" 

The cop answered: "Ours, I hope."

••

Kids have so many food allergies these days. 

In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a 

bag of peanuts. 

••

When I'm bored..... 

I send a text to a random phone number saying, 

"I hid the body... Now what?" 

••

I took a course in speed waiting. 

Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

••

I failed my Politics exam. 

"Describe the role that India plays in the modern 

world". 

Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct 

answer. 

••

Lying about my age has gotten easier

now that I have trouble remembering what it is. 

••

I have decided to produce and sell a strong 

alcoholic drink called "Responsibly".. 

That way everyone in the country can get shit 

faced drinking responsibly. 

And all the other drinks makers will be 

advertising for me on their cans with the slogan 

"Please Drink Responsibly".. 

Probably will piss off the government as well. 

••

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken. 

••••

••

♦♦

♥

A man goes into a drug store and asks the 

pharmacist if he can give him something for the 

hiccups. 

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps 

the man's face.

"What the heck did you do that for?!!" the man 

screams.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, 

do you?"

The man says, "No I don't, but my wife out in 

the car still does!"

•• 

To commemorate the death of King Abdullah 

all of today's hangings will be at half mast. 

••

My daughter's school teacher rang me today.

"Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today?"

he said.

"I know, her mother died yesterday," I replied. 

"So she won't be back for a while."

"Sorry to hear that," he sighed. 

"How's she getting on?"

"Very well," I replied. 

"She's on her third load of laundry and has already 

prepared dinner."

••

A young man asked a rich old man how he 

made his money.

The old guy said: Son, it was 1932, the depth of 

the Great Depression, I was down to my last 

nickel. 

I invested that in an apple and spent the entire 

day polishing it. 

At the end of the day, I sold the apple for 

10 cents!

The next day, I invested those 10 cents in 2 

apples. 

I spent the entire day polishing them and sold 

them for 20 cents.

I continued this for a month. 

By the end of which I had accumulated a 

fortune of $1.37. 

Then my wife's father died and left us 

2 Million Dollars...!

MORAL: Hard Work Is Just sh*t. 

Find A Chick Whose Father Is Rich.

••

Help me find my lost dog! 

He is: 

Blind in one eye. 

Only has three legs. 

Has patches of fur missing due to skin condition. 

Don't call for him, he is deaf. 

Only has one tooth left on lower jaw. 

If you think you've seen Lucky, please contact me. 

There is a small reward.

••

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone 

breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. 

"Did you notice I'm wearing a suit?" "Yes"

•• 

A guy was speeding down the road and got 

pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper said, "Do you have any idea how 

fast you were going ?"

The driver looked at the trooper and said, 

"Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger 

seat ?"

The trooper said. "Yes."

"Thats my wife," the driver said to the trooper, 

"Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat ?"

The trooper said, "Yes."

"That's my mother in law. 

She lives with us. 

They just had a big spat and she said she was 

moving out. 

I'm trying to get them home before they make 

up !!!!"

The trooper wrote him a warning and then 

gave him an escort home with lights flashing.

••

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right 

into two priests.

He says, "I'm Jesus Christ."

The first priest says, "No, son, you're not."

So the drunk says it to the second priest.

The second priest says, "No, son, you're not."

The drunk says, Look, I can prove it. 

He walks back into the bar with the two priests.

The bartender takes one look at the drunk and 

exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

••

Tommy applied for a job with the R-ville 

building society. 

He meticulously completed the application 

form and handed it over to the Officer-in-charge, 

who studied it and when he had finished said 

"With your credentials, I have the perfect 

opening for you."

"Great!" Tommy replied.

"It’s called the door" the Officer-in-charge said

sternly "Now get out".

••

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"The Lord giveth...the IRS taketh away." 

••••