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A man goes into a drug store and asks the
pharmacist if he can give him something for the
hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps
the man's face.
"What the heck did you do that for?!!" the man
screams.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore,
do you?"
The man says, "No I don't, but my wife out in
the car still does!"
••
To commemorate the death of King Abdullah
all of today's hangings will be at half mast.
••
My daughter's school teacher rang me today.
"Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today?"
he said.
"I know, her mother died yesterday," I replied.
"So she won't be back for a while."
"Sorry to hear that," he sighed.
"How's she getting on?"
"Very well," I replied.
"She's on her third load of laundry and has already
prepared dinner."
••
A young man asked a rich old man how he
made his money.
The old guy said: Son, it was 1932, the depth of
the Great Depression, I was down to my last
nickel.
I invested that in an apple and spent the entire
day polishing it.
At the end of the day, I sold the apple for
10 cents!
The next day, I invested those 10 cents in 2
apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold
them for 20 cents.
I continued this for a month.
By the end of which I had accumulated a
fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us
2 Million Dollars...!
MORAL: Hard Work Is Just sh*t.
Find A Chick Whose Father Is Rich.
••
Help me find my lost dog!
He is:
Blind in one eye.
Only has three legs.
Has patches of fur missing due to skin condition.
Don't call for him, he is deaf.
Only has one tooth left on lower jaw.
If you think you've seen Lucky, please contact me.
There is a small reward.
••
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone
breaks in & we have nothing to talk about.
"Did you notice I'm wearing a suit?" "Yes"
••
A guy was speeding down the road and got
pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper said, "Do you have any idea how
fast you were going ?"
The driver looked at the trooper and said,
"Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger
seat ?"
The trooper said. "Yes."
"Thats my wife," the driver said to the trooper,
"Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat ?"
The trooper said, "Yes."
"That's my mother in law.
She lives with us.
They just had a big spat and she said she was
moving out.
I'm trying to get them home before they make
up !!!!"
The trooper wrote him a warning and then
gave him an escort home with lights flashing.
••
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right
into two priests.
He says, "I'm Jesus Christ."
The first priest says, "No, son, you're not."
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest says, "No, son, you're not."
The drunk says, Look, I can prove it.
He walks back into the bar with the two priests.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and
exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
••
Tommy applied for a job with the R-ville
building society.
He meticulously completed the application
form and handed it over to the Officer-in-charge,
who studied it and when he had finished said
"With your credentials, I have the perfect
opening for you."
"Great!" Tommy replied.
"It’s called the door" the Officer-in-charge said
sternly "Now get out".
••
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"The Lord giveth...the IRS taketh away."
••••
