••
♥
The police have just released my mother-in-law
after questioning her about the murder of her
husband.
They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before
coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.
••
Picking the right X-mas tree is a science.
Sneaking into your neighbor's yard to cut it
down is an art.
••
A magician walks into a talent agent's office and
boasts about his great new act.
"I can saw a woman in half," he announces.
"You'll have to do better than that," says the agent.
"It's the oldest trick in the book."
"Oh yeah?" says the magician.
"Lengthwise?"
••
Two mailmen are talking on the sidewalk after
finishing their routes.
One notices a slug crawling by and in a rage he
stomps it to death.
"That was cruel," says the other mailman.
"Why'd you do that?"
The first mailman says, "That son-of-a -bitch has
been following me around all day!"
••
'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...
I really should have invested in one of those
carbon monoxide detectors.
••
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit....
••
What kind of crime is committed when a bird is
attacked?
A featheral offense.”
••
Me: I'll take 'Marriage' for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo.
We were looking for, what is monogamy...
••
They are now using lawyers in medical labs for
testing.
Seems that they found out that there are some
things that even a RAT won't do!
••
As I've grown older I've realized that Santa likes
rich kids more than everyone else...
••
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place,
and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming
voice came down from the clouds,
"I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man
pleaded.
"Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the
Loch Ness monster either!"
••••
