••
♥
My daughter asked me if she could have a tablet
for Christmas.
She's going to get a big surprise; I've bought her
a whole packet.
••
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for
about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short.
You usually talk for two hours.
What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
••
What has four legs in the morning,
two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?
I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom.
Send help.....
••
I came home today to some affection, tenderness,
and sympathy.
Once I realized I was in the wrong house I turned
around and went back out the door.
••
I wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting
the world's best porn name on a basketball career.
••
Groaner ahead...
The manager of a Senior Center decides to hire
an animal act to entertain everyone at the home's
annual tea party.
He calls a theatrical agent and asks what sort of
act he has to offer.
"I've got a tiger," says the agent.
"It does a highwire act and juggles plates."
"Too dangerous," replies the manager.
"It might fall on someone or bite them."
How about a performing seal?" says the agent.
"It can play musical instruments."
"Too noisy," replies the manager.
"The old folks won't like it.
What we need is something unusual but nice
and sedate so it won't upset them.
"I know," says the agent.
"How about Morris the gibbon.
He's very quiet.
All he does is card tricks."
"sounds good," replies the manager.
"Let's try a mellow gibbon round the old folks tea....."
( My apologies to Tony Orlando for that one. )
••
I drink to steady my nerves.
Tonight I got so steady I couldn't move.
••
So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl
online.
Now she tells me she's an undercover cop.
How cool is that for someone her age?
••
Why are there only 238 beans in Irish chili?
Because just two more makes it two-farty.
••
A sign in a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES
RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
••
Why was Elvis Presley in hospital?
He had third-degree sideburns.
••••
