••
♥
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play
Candy Crush.
••
Whenever I recieve a gift card for Christmas,
I can't help but feel as though the person is trying
to tell me, "I would just give you the money,
but I know that you'll just spend it on alcohol".
••
When I'm driving I listen to the country station
because it makes me want to get to my
destination faster.
••
My alarm clock stopped working, so I'll be setting
the microwave for 8 hours while I sleep on the
kitchen floor.
••
What's the difference between a genealogist and
a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree and a
gynecologist looks up the family bush.
••
My 6 year old nephew is legitimately pissed off
that there is no actual monkey in the monkey
bread.
••
A boy got a job bagging groceries at a
supermarket.
One day, the store put in a machine for squeezing
oranges.
The boy asked if he could work that job.
"Sorry," said his boss,
"but baggers can't be juicers."
••
Pizza places should give away free pizza car
air-freshners.
Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL
crave pizza.
••
Batman: "Shall we watch a film?"
Superman: "Have you got Cape Fear?"
Batman: "Only in revolving doors.
Now, a film?"
••
A guy is driving happily along in his car with his
girlfriend when he is pulled over by the State
Police.
The officer approaches him and asks, "Have you
been drinking, Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving
splendidly.
It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat
that made me suspicious."
••
Sometimes in life you have to give the people
around you a little push, into traffic.
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