••

••

♥

"There's always somebody who is paid too much, 

and taxed too little - and it's always somebody 

else."

••

Q: Why are ghosts bad liars? 

A: You can see right through them. 

••

Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like 

brushing your teeth while eating Oreos. 

••

Jim was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon 

was taking the fact that his lady love was seen 

with another man. 

"You said you love her and yet you saw her with 

another man and you didn't knock the guy down?" 

"I'm waiting," Jon said. 

"Waiting for what?" asked Jim. 

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller man." 

••

Don't bother putting your hand over my mouth 

to shut me up, I will lick you. 

••

Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and 

is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

••

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on 

his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter 

sneaked up behind him. 

Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, 

squealing to the rest of the family, 

"I know Daddy's password! 

I know Daddy's password!" 

"What is it? her older sisters asked, eagerly. 

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, 

asterisk, asterisk!" 

••

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention 

such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? 

Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It’s because I saw one on daddy’s lettuce,

but now it’s gone.

••

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough 

outfit no one will call you fat.  

••

Just got back from a friends funeral who 

drowned last week. 

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my 

floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. 

But as I told everyone "It's what he would have 

wanted" 

••

"I'd like a bowl of soup please."

"Any sides?"

"I hope so, or it'll go EVERYWHERE." 

••••

••

••

♥

"A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, 

of getting along with people, of getting things 

done."

       -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

••

Why do people call the deceased "late"?

They aren't late..

They aren't coming. 

••

Q: What do you call a Filipino contortionist? 

A: A Manila folder.  

••

I can't stand it when people don't know the 

difference between your and you're. 

There so stupid.

••

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent 

to Mars. 

Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth. 

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how 

much he wanted to be paid for going. 

“A million dollars,” he answered, “because I 

want to donate it to M.I.T.” 

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the 

same question. 

He asked for $2 million. 

“I want to give a million to my family,” he 

explained, “and leave the other million for the 

advancement of medical research.” 

The last applicant was a lawyer. 

When asked how much money he wanted, he 

whispered in the interviewer’s ear, 

“Three million dollars.” 

“Why so much more than the others?” asked 

the interviewer. 

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, 

I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and 

we’ll send the engineer to Mars.” 

••

I wouldn't want lesbian parents. 

Not because I'm homophobic. 

I just don't want to get stuck in an endless loop 

of "Go ask your mother." 

••

My daughter turns 3 today. 

Due to our tight budget, we're not telling her.  

••

Did you hear about the actor who fell through 

the floorboards? 

He was just going through a stage.

••

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. 

For days he kept leaving little messages around 

the house.

••

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. 

I changed my shirt; she says"Daddy, you did it!" 

If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she'll 

flip out. 

••

Two drunks are sitting at a bar, staring into their 

drinks. 

One gets a funny look on his face and asks, 

"Hey, Bill, have you ever seen an ice cube 

with a hole in it before?" 

"Sure," says Bill, I have been married to one for 

twenty five years!" 

••

“Yesterday I was on the computer, I couldn't 

find the Esc and I lost Ctrl.”

••••

••

••

♥

"For every person who wants to teach there are 

approximately thirty people who don't want to 

learn--much."

••

A small private plane was flying over southwest 

Florida when all of a sudden the engine died, 

miles away from any airport. 

The pilot turned to his wife and said, “Don’t 

worry, Honey, there are dozens of golf courses in 

this area. 

I’ll just land on the next one I see.” 

To which his wife screamed, “What you mean 

‘don’t worry?’ 

I’ve seen you play! 

You’ll never hit the fairway!” 

••

We get hit up by door-to-door salespeople all the 

time, and they always seem to miss the 

"Absolutely no solicitors" sign on the door. 

My officemate put up a new sign: 

       To solicitors: 

Please remove rings, watches, belt buckles, 

and other metal objects before entering. 

Our pit bull has trouble digesting such items. 

Thank you for your cooperation. 

••

Childhood is like being drunk,

everyone remembers what you do

except you.

••

The other day.... 

I was so bored I ate an entire box of laxative, 

just to have some shit to do..

••

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know—but the flag is a big plus.

••

Gus turned in his homework assignment; 

He gave his 3rd grade teacher a blank piece of 

paper and the hilarity began...... 

Teacher: What is This Gus...

It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.  

Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?

Gus: The cow ate all of it.  

Teacher: (looked at the paper again)

Then, where's the cow?  

Gus: It left because there was no more grass. 

••

Some signs that your son is too old for 

breast-feeding : 

He can open your wife's blouse by himself, 

with one hand. 

While sucking on one breast, he fondles the other. 

He keeps slipping dollar bills in your wife's belt. 

He uses her milk as creamer for his coffee. 

After each feeding he has a smoke. 

He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

•• 

Everyone has a photographic memory..... 

Some don't have film.

••

An irate woman burst into the baker’s shop and 

said, “I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies 

this morning but when I weighed them there was 

only one pound. 

I suggest you check your scales.” 

The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or 

two and then replied, 

“Ma’am, I suggest you weigh your son.”

••

My neighbor's burglar alarm goes off so often 

that people just ignore it. 

On the upside, their new plasma TV looks great 

in my living room.

••••

••

WoW... Pancakes for breakfast....

••

♥

There's one thing the Democrats and Republicans 

share in common: Our money.

••

A man is fibbing away about how great things are 

in his country. 

Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in 

his country. 

"There is a building so tall, it took my friend 

Alex 72 hours to fall off it!" 

"Oh, my God!" says his friend. 

"Surely he must have died!" 

"Of course..... 

He was without food or water for 3 days!"

••

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? 

Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?" 

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy 

Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."

••

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food 

restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. 

"No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." 

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, 

remarked, 

"Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, 

I wouldn't be eating here." 

••

A land surveyor was working on a golf course 

that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes. 

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area 

he was mapping, he came upon a golf club that 

an irate player must have tossed away. 

It was in good condition, so he picked it up and 

continued on. 

When he broke out of the brush onto a putting 

green, two golfers stared at him in awe. 

He had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the 

other, and behind him was a clear-cut swath 

leading out of the woods. 

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who 

hates to lose his ball!" 

••

What do you call a fat psychic? 

A four chin teller.

••

My wife returned from the doctor and said she 

has a bladder infection. 

I said uh oh urine trouble. 

••

Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a 

government that won't.

••

Secret Service director Julia Pierson submitted 

her resignation. 

She jumped the White House fence,ran across 

the lawn, dove through a window and handed 

it to the president. 

••

The girl admitted under parental questioning 

that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was 

responsible.

"All right !" bellowed her Mother, "you march 

yourself to your room, and don't come out until 

you can give us a definite answer."

Later that night her voice rang down the stairs.

"Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now."

"I should hope so !" the Mother responded.

"The very idea that any daughter of mine could 

get pregnant, let alone not know the father."

"Chill Mom."the girl said.

"I got it narrowed down to the band or the 

football team."

••

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, 

can pull 30 times its weight and always falls 

over on its right side when intoxicated.

(Did the government pay for this research?)

••••

••

••

♥

Auctioneers are proof that white guys could rap 

if they try hard enough.

••

Daughter: Mommy, what's it like to have the most 

awesome daughter in the world ?

Mother: I don't know, ask your grandmother.

••

I thought I was watching The Walking Dead

on channel five last night, then I realized it was 

just the Rolling Stones in concert..

••

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned 

farm with plans to turn it into a thriving 

enterprise. 

The fields are grown over with weeds, the 

farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are 

collapsing all around. 

During his first day of work, the town preacher 

stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May 

you and God work together to make this the farm 

of your dreams!" 

A few months later, the preacher stops by again 

to call on the farmer. 

Lo and behold, it's like a completely different 

place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and 

in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle 

and other livestock happily munching on feed in 

well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with 

crops planted in neat rows. 

"Amazing!" the preacher says. 

"Look what God and you have accomplished 

together!" 

"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember 

what the farm was like when God was working it 

alone!" 

••

Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. 

I've been doing nothing for years.

••

I got pulled over by a bicycle cop in L.A. -- 

not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop. 

And I'm in my car, and he gets out -- 

he's sweating, he's got these little shorts on. 

You know how fast you were going? 

Yeah, a lot faster than that bike. 

••

I hate to brag, but several ladies just asked me 

if I wanted a date. 

On multiple street corners. 

••

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*

oh no, what happened?

"my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I 

was walking" 

••

Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy, 

but he really saved the Histoy channel..

••

Why do women always say they want a man with 

a stable job? 

What’s so glamorous about cleaning up after 

horses?

••

News headlines.......

 Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing.

 New Vaccine May Contain Rabies.

 Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing.

 Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire.

 Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide..

 Air Head Fired.

 Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge.. 

••

"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't 

need glasses. 

Drinks right out of the bottle."

       -- Henny Youngman

••••