••
♥
"For every person who wants to teach there are
approximately thirty people who don't want to
learn--much."
••
A small private plane was flying over southwest
Florida when all of a sudden the engine died,
miles away from any airport.
The pilot turned to his wife and said, “Don’t
worry, Honey, there are dozens of golf courses in
this area.
I’ll just land on the next one I see.”
To which his wife screamed, “What you mean
‘don’t worry?’
I’ve seen you play!
You’ll never hit the fairway!”
••
We get hit up by door-to-door salespeople all the
time, and they always seem to miss the
"Absolutely no solicitors" sign on the door.
My officemate put up a new sign:
To solicitors:
Please remove rings, watches, belt buckles,
and other metal objects before entering.
Our pit bull has trouble digesting such items.
Thank you for your cooperation.
••
Childhood is like being drunk,
everyone remembers what you do
except you.
••
The other day....
I was so bored I ate an entire box of laxative,
just to have some shit to do..
••
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know—but the flag is a big plus.
••
Gus turned in his homework assignment;
He gave his 3rd grade teacher a blank piece of
paper and the hilarity began......
Teacher: What is This Gus...
It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.
Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?
Gus: The cow ate all of it.
Teacher: (looked at the paper again)
Then, where's the cow?
Gus: It left because there was no more grass.
••
Some signs that your son is too old for
breast-feeding :
He can open your wife's blouse by himself,
with one hand.
While sucking on one breast, he fondles the other.
He keeps slipping dollar bills in your wife's belt.
He uses her milk as creamer for his coffee.
After each feeding he has a smoke.
He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
••
Everyone has a photographic memory.....
Some don't have film.
••
An irate woman burst into the baker’s shop and
said, “I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies
this morning but when I weighed them there was
only one pound.
I suggest you check your scales.”
The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or
two and then replied,
“Ma’am, I suggest you weigh your son.”
••
My neighbor's burglar alarm goes off so often
that people just ignore it.
On the upside, their new plasma TV looks great
in my living room.
••••
