••
♥
"The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the
same place is that the same place isn't there the
second time."
-- Willie Tyler
••
My Building Permit:
Some have asked what I've been doing in
retirement.
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new
house.
It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide,
with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and
windows all over the place and a loud outside
entertainment sound system.
It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was
going to paint it snot green with pink trim.
The City Council told me;
“Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!”
So, I sent in the application again, but this time
I called it a "Mosque."
Work starts on Monday.
And here is the best part, it's going to be tax
exempt!
I love this country.
It’s the government that scares me.
••
What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Lots of room.
••
Why didn't Smokey the Bear have cubs?
Every time his wife got hot, he stomped her out.
••
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,
which renders the subject financially impotent
for an indefinite period of time.
••
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle
looking for something to eat.
He came across two men.
One was sitting under a tree reading a book;
the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading
the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that
readers digest, and writers cramp.
••
My wife doesn't always know what she wants
but she's going to be mad as hell if she doesn't
get it.
••
"Dammit" or "Damnit" are both acceptable,
unless you are over the age of sixty, in which case
"Dagnabit" may be required.
••
I went for a run but came back after 2 minutes
because I forgot something.
I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run for more
than 2 minutes.
••
Me: 'Why are you going through my phone?'
GF: 'Do you have something to hide?'
Me: 'I'm gonna have a body to hide if you keep it
up.'
