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♥

"The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the 

same place is that the same place isn't there the 

second time."

       -- Willie Tyler

••

 My Building Permit: 

Some have asked what I've been doing in 

retirement. 

Well, I applied for a building permit for a new 

house. 

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, 

with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and 

windows all over the place and a loud outside 

entertainment sound system. 

It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was 

going to paint it snot green with pink trim. 

The City Council told me; 

“Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!” 

So, I sent in the application again, but this time 

I called it a "Mosque." 

Work starts on Monday. 

And here is the best part, it's going to be tax 

exempt! 

I love this country. 

It’s the government that scares me. 

••

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea? 

Lots of room. 

••

Why didn't Smokey the Bear have cubs? 

Every time his wife got hot, he stomped her out. 

••

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, 

which renders the subject financially impotent 

for an indefinite period of time. 

••

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle 

looking for something to eat. 

He came across two men. 

One was sitting under a tree reading a book; 

the other was typing away on his typewriter. 

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading 

the book and devoured him. 

Even the king of the jungle knows that 

readers digest, and writers cramp. 

••

My wife doesn't always know what she wants 

but she's going to be mad as hell if she doesn't 

get it. 

••

"Dammit" or "Damnit" are both acceptable, 

unless you are over the age of sixty, in which case 

"Dagnabit" may be required. 

••

I went for a run but came back after 2 minutes 

because I forgot something. 

I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run for more 

than 2 minutes. 

••

Me: 'Why are you going through my phone?' 

GF: 'Do you have something to hide?' 

Me: 'I'm gonna have a body to hide if you keep it 

up.' 

••

••

♥

"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter 

quite like unrequited love."

       -- Charles M. Schulz

••

Q: What did the snail say when it caught a ride 

on the back of the turtle as it was crossing the 

road? 

A: "Yahoo!"

••

There was a student who was desirous of taking 

admission for a study course. 

He was smart enough to get through the written 

test, a GD and was to appear for the personal 

interview. 

Later, as the interview progressed, the 

interviewer found this boy to be bright since he 

could answer all the questions correctly. 

The interviewer got impatient and decided to 

corner the boy. 

"Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, 

"What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten 

easy questions or ONE real difficult. 

Think well before you make up your mind." 

The boy thought for a while and said, 

"My choice is ONE real difficult question." 

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your 

own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. 

Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?" 

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while 

and said: "It's the DAY, sir." 

"How???????" the interviewer was smiling 

("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.) 

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask 

me a SECOND difficult question!" 

Admission for the course was thus secured.

••

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house 

of Mr.Smith. 

He delivered the pizza . 

After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: 

"What is the usual tip?" 

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, 

but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you,

 I'll be doing great." 

"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. 

"Well, just to show them how wrong they are, 

here's five dollars." 

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my 

school fund." 

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry. 

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology." 

••

"Settle down, kids. You can play Whac-a-Mole 

when the man with the neck tattoo uses up his 

tokens." 

Chuck E Cheese is such a special place. 

••

When I lose an argument in life I stay positive 

and remind myself that I am going to win this 

argument in the shower 6 hours from now....

••

Why does it always have to be "he's addicted to

drugs"? 

Why can't it ever be, "he's passionate about drugs"? 

••

It's strange, isn't it. 

You stand in the middle of a library and go 

'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. 

But you do the same thing on an airplane, and 

everyone joins in. 

••

Sure I could get off the couch & put new 

batteries in this remote, but instead I am going to 

hold it high above my head & at different angles. 

••

It's ironic how the colors red, white and blue 

represent freedom...until they're flashing behind 

you. 

••••

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♥

Wow, sad about that Oklahoma workplace 

incident 

I won't BEHEADING to that town anytime soon. 

••

"My toughest fight was with my first wife."

       -- Muhammad Ali

•• 

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking 

with his wife was becoming routine and boring. 

"Get creative buddy. 

Break up the monotony. 

Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?" 

"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you 

make it last for an hour?" 

"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 

45 minutes!" 

••

My GPS stopped working this morning and I'm 

going to the mall to get a new one. 

I really hope someone with a TomTom left their 

car unlocked. 

••

Listening to NPR during fundraising campaigns 

has prepared me to ignore my kids when they ask 

for money. 

••

A guy was walking along the street when he saw 

a crowd of people running towards him. 

He stopped one of the runners and asked: 

"What's happening?" 

The runner replied breathlessly: "A lion has 

escaped from the zoo." 

"Oh my, which way is it heading?" 

"Well you don't think we are chasing it, do you?"

••

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of coke, but  

autocorrect changed it to shipload. 

Now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars.

••

Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White? 

A: They can't find another blonde who knows 

the whole alphabet.

••

“I was scrambling for another egg joke, but I 

can't seem to whip one up. 

Guess I'm a bit fried.”

••

This youth group broke the number one cardinal 

rule of making money at a Car Wash. 

They let the fat chick hold the car wash sign. 

••

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she 

said yes. 

13 years later I haven't got the balls to tell her I 

was just chasing a crouton. 

••••

••

••

♥

"I find television very educating. 

Every time somebody turns on the set, 

I go into the other room and read a book."

       -- Groucho Marx

••

I think the funnest part of a prostate exam is 

when I fake an orgasm.

••

If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner 

They're usually around 90 degrees. 

••

My wife accused me of being immature. 

I told her to get out of my fort....

••

I just did 25 sit-ups. 

Ok, I tried to sit up 25 times...still laying here. 

•• 

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. 

She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice 

long black negligee and carefully place it in her 

suitcase so it would not wrinkle. 

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. 

So she dashed out and could only find a short 

pink nightie. 

She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. 

After the wedding the bride and groom enter 

their hotel room. 

The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked 

his new bride to change in the bathroom and 

promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. 

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened 

her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had 

thrown in there. 

She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and 

wrinkled!" 

Then her groom cried out...... 

"I told you not to peek!"

••

My kids had a shirt made for me that says 

'Father of the Year 2014 Quarter Finalist'.

••

I don't usually pick up hitchhikers 

but this poor guy looks like he's running late to 

hockey practice. 

He already has his mask on. 

••

If you find me passed out in R-ville this week end

with a Sharpie penis drawn on my face, at least 

have the decency to not tag me in the Facebook 

pic. 

••

Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on 

a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't 

get a clear shot of a robber standing still. 

••

Ran out of laundry detergent, so I poured in 

some Windex. 

It worked OK, except for all the birds smacking 

into me. 

••••

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♥

I recently broke up with my girlfriend. 

We just didnt have anything in common. 

But when that happens, you have to try to 

compromise. 

I tried to compromise with her. 

I remember one time I was like, Look, if you go 

with me to my Lord of the Rings fan fiction meet 

up group,

 I'll go with you to this ultrasound thing.

•• 

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I 

sat down and had a cold beer. 

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink 

facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. 

Finally I thought about an age old question: 

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked 

in the nuts? 

Women always maintain that giving birth is way 

more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. 

Well, after another beer, and some heavy 

deductive thinking, I have come up with the 

answer to that question. 

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than 

having a baby; and here is the reason for my 

conclusion. 

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will 

often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

 On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, 

"You know, I think I would like another kick in 

the nuts." 

I rest my case. 

Time for another beer.

••

Can't decide if I'm feeling jacked, pumped, or 

amped. 

Might just be constipated..... 

••

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch 

told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers 

are killing me."

••

Why does nobody ever tell a cow joke? 

because they're "udder"ly terrible...

••

The neighbors love it when I practice piano. 

They break my window to hear me better. 

••

my wife told me to get away from her because 

I smell bad? 

but I just took a shower 2 weeks ago?? 

••

Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the 

alphabet, 

I'd put U and I together. 

Me: It's perfect the way it is with N and O 

together. 

••

Being a drag queen is really easy 

in a Muslim society. 

••

I'm going to talk to my broker today about 

cashing in some of my stocks. 

And by that I mean, "taking all my change to the 

coinstar machine" 

••

If I died and went straight to Hell, 

it would take me at least a week to realize I 

wasn't at work anymore. 

••••