••
♥
Wow, sad about that Oklahoma workplace
incident
I won't BEHEADING to that town anytime soon.
••
"My toughest fight was with my first wife."
-- Muhammad Ali
••
Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking
with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy.
Break up the monotony.
Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you
make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for
45 minutes!"
••
My GPS stopped working this morning and I'm
going to the mall to get a new one.
I really hope someone with a TomTom left their
car unlocked.
••
Listening to NPR during fundraising campaigns
has prepared me to ignore my kids when they ask
for money.
••
A guy was walking along the street when he saw
a crowd of people running towards him.
He stopped one of the runners and asked:
"What's happening?"
The runner replied breathlessly: "A lion has
escaped from the zoo."
"Oh my, which way is it heading?"
"Well you don't think we are chasing it, do you?"
••
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of coke, but
autocorrect changed it to shipload.
Now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars.
••
Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?
A: They can't find another blonde who knows
the whole alphabet.
••
“I was scrambling for another egg joke, but I
can't seem to whip one up.
Guess I'm a bit fried.”
••
This youth group broke the number one cardinal
rule of making money at a Car Wash.
They let the fat chick hold the car wash sign.
••
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she
said yes.
13 years later I haven't got the balls to tell her I
was just chasing a crouton.
••••
