••
♥
An old man was a witness in a burglary case.
The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my
client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened
at night.
Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes, says Sam. "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are
an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad.
Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"
••
I Get So Drunk That I Imagine Things.....
The drunk was floundering down the alley
carrying a box with holes on the side.
He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do
you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get.
When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to
death of snakes.
That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot!
Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend
the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
••
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said.....
'Cough'
••
I did stick up for you once.
Someone called you two-faced so I said,
"he doesn't have two faces.
If he did why would he always use the ugly one?"
••
Rednecks are like Americas pit bulls.
They should just sedate those people, drop em
off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild.
Just be like, Dude, just go do everything you ever
dreamed of doing.
Just go crazy.
Have one of your friends play the banjo --
it'll scare the hell out of them.
••
I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car.
The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.
••
Cops would catch more drunk drivers if they just
stood outside with signs that say HONK IF
YOU'RE WASTED!
••
I know how to make my wife drive more carefully
I told her that if she has an accident,
the newspapers would print her age.
••
Finally watched an episode of America's Got
Talent and I disagree.
••
Find someone who can make you happy, like a
like a doctor or pharmacist....basically anyone
who has access to mood-enhancing drugs.
••••
