••
♥
"A little government and a little luck are necessary
in life, but only a fool trusts either of them."
••
She was at the beautician's for four hours –
that was just the estimate.
••
Are those your own feet?
Or are you breaking them in for a clown.
••
If someone calls me fat,
I don't get angry.
I just turn the other chin.
••
Weight-loss tip:
Throw away the lip gloss, use super glue instead!
••
I would never cheat in a relationship because
that would require two people finding me
attractive.
••
Just left a note on the ex's car saying "I STILL
LOVE YOU".
Hope it doesn't go unnoticed.
I keyed it in pretty deep.
••
Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it...
••
Cop: "We're going to give you a drug test."
Me: "Cool, which drugs are we testing?"
••
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID
TO MOW YOUR LAWN......
10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a
Ziploc bag...
9. On the side of his mower you notice the
stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats...
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher..
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the
mower blades with his head...
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes
into the mulcher...
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home
security system...
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some
clippings...
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament
off your Lexus......
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in
three weeks...
1. No toes.
••••
