••
♥
"I've gone into hundreds of fortune-teller's parlors,
and have been told thousands of things,
but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman
getting ready to arrest her."
-- New York City detective
••
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the
husband looks over at his wife and says,
"Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..."
The wife replies, "Yes, go on tell me."
So the husband says, "I had a dream that you left
me after 20 years of being married."
The wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a
nightmare."
The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."
••
I didn't call you fat.
I said wicker furniture normally doesn't scream
like that.....
••
Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget
everything I know about probability, and gives me
a temporary belief in the power of prayer.
I wanna be rich enough to realize
that I can't buy happiness.
A salesman was testifying in his divorce
proceedings against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident
that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to
your wife's fidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week,"
the man testified.
"So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to
the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were
in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making
when the old lady in the apartment next door
pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at
least stop all that racket on the weekends
••
I found my first gray pubic hair today.
It didn't bother me as much as it did the other
people on the bus......
••
Whenever you tell someone you're afraid to fly,
they're like, You know, its the safest way to travel.
Really?..... I think walking beats it.
I never been walking along and just burst into
flames and then fell 20,000 feet.
Maybe its just the way that I walk, though.
I'm a real careful walker.
••
Want to get really stoned?
Commit adultery in Iran.
••
A farmer was munching on a cookie, as he
watches the rooster chase a hen around.
Playfully, the farmer throws a piece of cookie to
the ground.
Seeing it, the rooster stops chasing the hen and
runs to the piece of cookie.
The farmer shakes his head slowly and says,
"Gosh, I hope I never get THAT hungry."
••••
