Little Late, Bubba....
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♥
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board
anymore because every time we play,
it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
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I get high before I get my drivers license
picture taken.
That way I look normal if I'm pulled over....
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Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler.
So the neighbors think I'm a stallion when
they hear her panting "Give it to me!"
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Some enlisted men were having trouble getting
past the guard at the train station.
He said that he couldn't allow anyone through
without a ticket.... Anyone!
An officer came along.
The guard explained, "Look, I like GIs.
I mean they're protecting us, but I have orders.
They're trying to get on without a ticket."
The officer said, "Let me take care of this."
Turning to the men, he barked, "Attention!
Now forward march!"
Smartly past a stunned guard, the men marched
through the gate and onto the train.
Once aboard, they relaxed and patted the
officer on the back, saying, "You're terrific, sir.
You're a great guy."
The officer said, "That's all right.
I didn't have a ticket either!"
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They say so many people die because of alcohol..
Perhaps they never realized how many of them
are born because of it.
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Deep thought and deep sleep can look a lot alike
At least, that's what I tell my boss..
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Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out
of jail is quite the compliment, so let's dial back that
"It's 4 am!" attitude, mmkay?
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You know you're ugly when it comes to a group
picture and they hand you the camera.
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So my wife bought this beauty face pack which
said "Look beautiful in 30 minutes".
She unwrapped it, applied it and after 30
minutes she washed her face and asked me.
"Did it work?....... Do I look beautiful now?"
I said they should change it to
"Look beautiful for 30 minutes"
well, that's when the fight started
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I often agree to let my kids sleep over at other
people's houses, just to remind parents that there
are kids who are way worse than theirs.
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I have decided to produce and sell a strong
alcoholic drink called "Responsibly"
That way everyone in the country can get shit
faced drinking responsibly.
And all the other drinks makers will be
advertising for me on their cans with the slogan
"please drink responsibly"
Probably will piss off the government as well.
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You'd think the people in front of me at this
self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear
reactor.
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