••
♥
I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant.
Please call your order in 17 hours prior to your
arrival.
••
Year to date statistics on Airport screening from
the Department of Homeland Security.....
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernia’s 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
••
When my wife said let's do something fun for our
anniversary, I had no idea she meant together.
I'm a man, not a mind reader.
••
Everyone suffering from diseases and natural
disasters: hang in there, we're liking Facebook
posts as fast as we can.
••
Tired of having to stare at the luscious young
kitten on the other side of the chain link fence,
bold Tommy Tomcat decided to visit her one day.
Settling back on his haunches, he gave a mighty
leap and landed on the other side; impressed,
the lovely cat sauntered over.
"That was quite a leap," she remarked.
"Want to go somewhere and cuddle?"
"Afraid not," said Tommy, a pained expressions
on his face.
"The fence was higher than I thought."
••
"A pessimist sees only the dark side of the clouds,
and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides, and
shrugs; an optimist doesn't see the clouds at all -
he's walking on them."
••
I love when bill collectors ask if you can
borrow the money...uh I did that before and I
think we both know how that turned out.
••
Sign on a church bulletin board:
You aren't too bad to come in,
You aren't good enough to stay out.
••
Guy threw a banana peel out the window
into my lane today.
Years of training kicked in and I was able to
maneuver safely and arrive for work.
Thank you Mario Kart.
••
I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't
handle their alcohol.
The other night they dropped me three time while
carrying me to the car.
••
Sally was in the Pub at R-ville last Saturday night,
when this really ugly looking guy walked into the
bar.
She told me later: "The weirdo came over to the
bar and pinched my bum.
Then he had the nerve to demand, 'Give me your
number, sexy.'"
I replied, "Have you got a pen?"
He smiled and said, "Yes."
I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before
the farmer notices you're missing."
••••
