••
♥
I came home from work and heard my wife calling
me from the bedroom.
I went in and she was naked and had all these ropes.
She said, "Tie me up."
So I did.
She said, "Now do whatever you want."
So I went fishing.
me from the bedroom.
I went in and she was naked and had all these ropes.
She said, "Tie me up."
So I did.
She said, "Now do whatever you want."
So I went fishing.
••
My girlfriend I walked past a swanky new restaurant
last night.
"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?"
she said.
Being the nice fellow I am, I thought: "Bugger it,
I'll treat her!"..... So we walked past it again!
last night.
"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?"
she said.
Being the nice fellow I am, I thought: "Bugger it,
I'll treat her!"..... So we walked past it again!
••
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed
bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the
mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your
mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading
out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your
room last night and I heard you tell Mom you were
pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was
coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with
an $180,000 mortgage and no damn bike!"
bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the
mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your
mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading
out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your
room last night and I heard you tell Mom you were
pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was
coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with
an $180,000 mortgage and no damn bike!"
••
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a
garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen,
so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of
the stain and check that it has gone.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a
garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen,
so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of
the stain and check that it has gone.
••
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily.
His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb
with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.
"That's not so serious," soothed his mother.
"I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't
cry at something like that.
Why didn't you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny..
His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb
with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.
"That's not so serious," soothed his mother.
"I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't
cry at something like that.
Why didn't you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny..
••
What is the difference between mechanical
engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
••
I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse
steaks, a jumbo sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack
of beer.
A homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten
for two days."
I told him, "I wish I had your will power."
steaks, a jumbo sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack
of beer.
A homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten
for two days."
I told him, "I wish I had your will power."
••
This morning after taking a shower I felt randy,
so I walked into the bedroom, opened my towel and
told my wife, "Check THIS out!"
She looked, and then asked,
"Have you been using the Vanishing Cream?"
I don't get it........ Crazy woman......
so I walked into the bedroom, opened my towel and
told my wife, "Check THIS out!"
She looked, and then asked,
"Have you been using the Vanishing Cream?"
I don't get it........ Crazy woman......
••
“I missed my miniature Indian musical instrument
practice last night.
I couldn't find a baby sitar.”
practice last night.
I couldn't find a baby sitar.”
••
That tingly sensation when you really like someone?
This is common sense leaving your body.
This is common sense leaving your body.
••
A man gets hooked on Viagra and just keeps taking
more and more.
His wife says... "Just quit."
The man says... "I can't".
His wife says... "How hard can it be".
more and more.
His wife says... "Just quit."
The man says... "I can't".
His wife says... "How hard can it be".
••
She was so ugly...
They used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
She was so ugly...
They used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
••••
