Well, I didn't win the big lottery prize...
Oh, Well... what would I do with all that
millions....
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♥
Oval office answering machine;
You have reached the office of the President of the
United States.
President Obama is either away from his desk or
not in the Oval Office at this time.
At the tone, please leave your name, your
telephone number, the size of the bailout or
earmark that you are seeking and the aggregate
dollar amount of your campaign donations to date.
You have reached the office of the President of the
United States.
President Obama is either away from his desk or
not in the Oval Office at this time.
At the tone, please leave your name, your
telephone number, the size of the bailout or
earmark that you are seeking and the aggregate
dollar amount of your campaign donations to date.
••
I was in a pub last night and saw two “girls of size”,
(as PC now requires us to say) by the bar.
They both spoke with a brogue accent, and making
assumptions about their origins I said, "Hello, are
you two girls from Ireland?"
One of them screamed, "It’s Wales you fooking
idiot!"
So I immediately apologized and said,
“Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?”
That's when all hell broke loose!
(as PC now requires us to say) by the bar.
They both spoke with a brogue accent, and making
assumptions about their origins I said, "Hello, are
you two girls from Ireland?"
One of them screamed, "It’s Wales you fooking
idiot!"
So I immediately apologized and said,
“Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?”
That's when all hell broke loose!
••
An old woman says to her friend: “You know,
last night I was shivering all over from
cold.”
Her friend: “Do you remember if your teeth
chattered?”
The old woman: “I don’t think so.
We haven’t slept together for ages.”
cold.”
Her friend: “Do you remember if your teeth
chattered?”
The old woman: “I don’t think so.
We haven’t slept together for ages.”
••
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown
Washington, D.C.
He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen,
I'm going to be only a couple of minutes.
Would you watch my car while I run into this
store?"
"What?" the man huffed.
"Do you realize that I am a member of the
United States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that.
But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
Washington, D.C.
He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen,
I'm going to be only a couple of minutes.
Would you watch my car while I run into this
store?"
"What?" the man huffed.
"Do you realize that I am a member of the
United States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that.
But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
••
Gus had tried to be particularly careful about his
language as he played golf with his preacher.
But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit
out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly
with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond.
"I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that
the best golfers do not use foul language."
"I guess not", said Gus, "what the hell do they
have to cuss about?"
language as he played golf with his preacher.
But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit
out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly
with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond.
"I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that
the best golfers do not use foul language."
"I guess not", said Gus, "what the hell do they
have to cuss about?"
••
When I had my last check-up my doctor said I
needed to give up half of my sex life.
So I asked, which half, thinking about it or
reading about it?
needed to give up half of my sex life.
So I asked, which half, thinking about it or
reading about it?
••
I bought a plunger the other day.
You ever bought a plunger?
Its an embarrassing purchase.
At first, you think its no big deal.
Stand in the line, swinging it. And then you
realize everybody knows; you got a situation
at home.
Nobody buys a plunger on a whim.
You ever bought a plunger?
Its an embarrassing purchase.
At first, you think its no big deal.
Stand in the line, swinging it. And then you
realize everybody knows; you got a situation
at home.
Nobody buys a plunger on a whim.
••
What's the difference between Viagra and Al Gore.....
Viagra really works !
Viagra really works !
••
An acquaintance of mine, whose daughter was
about to be married, decided to give her a diamond
ring that had been in the family for several
generations.
The stone had never been appraised, so the father
asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look
at it.
She agreed, but said that, instead of a fee she
would accept lunch at one of Houston's finer
restaurants.
A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat
sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring.
She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the
diamond carefully and handed it back.
"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from
the next table.
"These Texas women are tough!"
about to be married, decided to give her a diamond
ring that had been in the family for several
generations.
The stone had never been appraised, so the father
asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look
at it.
She agreed, but said that, instead of a fee she
would accept lunch at one of Houston's finer
restaurants.
A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat
sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring.
She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the
diamond carefully and handed it back.
"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from
the next table.
"These Texas women are tough!"
••
