Now the jokes.......
I tried stand-up comedy once.
I had them rolling in the aisles.
Lucky that the usher made them put away the dice.
••
A couple in a big-chain electronics store is about
to buy a huge plasma tv as the salesman is
finishing his pitch.
"You folks," he said, "will only pay a tiny bit down,
and then you'll pay nothing for six months."
"Damn it!" said the man, "How did you find out?"
••
Two surgeons met at a party.
The first asked, “So what is your specialty?”
The second replied, “My specialty is cosmetic surgery.
You know, a snip here, a cut there, a fold here,
a tuck there and Bob’s your uncle.
How about you?”
“I specialize in sex change operations.
You know, a snip here, a cut there, a fold here,
a tuck there and Bob’s your aunt.”
••
A farmer was in town at noon and went into
a restaurant for a hamburger and french fries.
When he was served, he quietly bowed his head
and gave the Lord thanks for his food.
Some rough-looking fellows at the next table saw
him and thought they would give him a hard time.
One of them called out, "Hey, Farmer, does
everyone do that where you live?"
"No, Son," answered the farmer,
"the pigs and donkeys don't."
••
A young couple talking...
"You deceived me," she said.
"Before we married, you said you were well off."
"I was," he answered, "I just didn't know how much."
••
Former major-league ballplayer Jimmy Piersall
said baseball is the perfect game to teach you
how to diaper a baby.
"First, spread out the diaper and position it so it
looks like a baseball diamond.
Then, fold second base down to home and set the
baby on the pitcher's mound,"he instructed.
"Put first base and third together,
bring up home plate and pin the three together.
Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game
and start all over again."
••
A robber entered a bank and shoved at the teller
behind the window a note that said:
"Put all the money in the bag, sucker and don't
move."
When the teller had read the note she added a
message and returned it."
It said: "Straighten your tie, we're taking your
picture."
••
Gus is lining up his shot.....
when the starter notices his ball is a yard ahead
of the first tees.
"Sir, you need to move your ball back," he said.
Gus ignored him and returned to his setup.
"Sir, you have to place your ball behind the tees,"
he insisted.
Again Gus ignored him.
"Sir, you have to obey the rules of golf when...."
"Enough!"..... Gus said,
"will you shut up so I can hit my second shot?"
••
In the expression..."topsy turvy"....
what exactly is meant by turvy?
Italian, terve; to go on an Italian cruise ship
and end up sinking and get "terved".
