Down Hummingbird Lane

Good Morning...Friends..
Today we'll have Sunny. Highs in the mid 70s.
Southwest winds 5 to 10 mph with gusts up to 20 mph...
increasing to 15 to 20 mph with
gusts up to 35 mph in the afternoon.
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~  The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter
to order a pair of animals.
He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence:
"I would like to place an order for two mongooses,
to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word
mongooses.
Then he deleted the word and added another, so that
the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order
for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest
convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the
new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one.
Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all
over.
"Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without
a mongoose," he typed.
"Please send us two of them."

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~  A lifelong unchurched man suddenly develops a
vague religious urge and decides to join a church--
any church...... So he sets out to find one.
His first stop is a Roman Catholic church where he asks
what he has to do to join.
The priest mentions diligent study and the affirmation
of the Nicene and Apostles' Creeds, then--just to see
how much the man knows--asks him where Jesus was
born. "Pittsburgh," he answers.
"Get out!" cries the shocked priest.
Next stop is a Southern Baptist church where the seeker
is told he would have to learn Bible verses, swear belief
in the Nicene and Apostles' creeds, swear off booze,
and be baptized ("By immersion, not just some sissy
sprinklin'").
The Baptist preacher then, to see how much this man
knows, asks him where Jesus was born.
"Philadelphia?" he asks tentatively (once bitten, twice
shy).
"Get out, you heathen!" yells the preacher.
Our perplexed protagonist finally walks into a Unitarian
church where he is told all he has to do is sign a
membership card.
"You mean I don't have to renounce anything, swear to
anything, or be dunked in anything?"
"That's right. We have no special tests for membership,
no dogma.
We support total individual freedom of belief."
"Then I'll join!
 But tell me--where was Jesus born?"
"Why, Bethlehem, of course."
The man's face lights up.
"I knew it was some place in Pennsylvania!"

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 ~  Dancing the hula is simple:
 You put some grass on one hip, more grass on the other
hip, and then you rotate the crops.

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~  “Look at ME!” boasted the fit old man to a group of
young people.
“Every morning I do 50 push-ups, 50 sit-ups and walk
two miles.
I’m fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why?
I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t stay up late, and I
don’t chase after women!”
 He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering,
“And tomorrow, I’m going to celebrate my 95th birthday!”
 “Oh, really?” drawled one of the young onlookers,
“How?”

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~  Two golfers met at the club.
"I heard about your terrible tragedy last week,"
said one.
"Yes," said the other sadly, sipping his drink.
"I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he
dropped dead on the ninth hole."
"I understand you carried him all the way back to the
clubhouse too," the first man said sympathetically.
"That must have been very difficult, considering
Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds."
"The carrying wasn't that hard.
It was putting him down at every stroke,
then picking him up again that wore me out."

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 ~   Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.
Locals were shouting names at me just
because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

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~  The computer in my high school classroom was
acting up.
After watching me struggle with it, a student explained
that my hard drive had crashed.
So I called IT.
"Can someone look at my computer?"
I asked......... "The hard drive crashed."
"We can’t just send people down on your say-so,"
said the specialist.
"How do you know that’s the problem?"
"A student told me."
"We’ll send someone right over."

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*  Q. How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
A. Ask Hugh Hefner."

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*  While working for an organization that delivers lunches
to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter
 on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances
 of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth
soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered,
'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

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~  Lynn said;
I’d been secretly dating for several months, and it
was time to break the news to my very protective father.
My mother thought he’d take it better if she explained
to him that my boyfriend was a Marine who had just
returned from Iraq.
This pleased Dad immensely.
"A Marine? Good!" he said.
"That means he can take orders."

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Todays Thought:

*  Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous;
you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides.
Margaret Thatcher

Rae's Trivia......

It is thought that the saying "pulling your leg"
originated from the custom in the Middle Ages of
hanging people in such a creative way that the victims
often choked slowly and in agony.
To put an end to their sufferings, pals or relatives of the
suffocating victims would pull down hard on their legs
in order to snap their necks.