My problem is I eat too much.....
.
How about this breakfast....Just a bacon sandwich and a wild turkey coffee....
Not funny.........when I get loose...just see what I roll in......
Oh...he's all excited.....
Chuck Norris delivers...........................
Oh...he's all excited.....
Chuck Norris delivers............................
So does this clint Eastwood tank.......
So does this clint Eastwood tank........
The new Senator from Minnesota......
New way to carry your phone...hands free........................
The new Senator from Minnesota.......
New way to carry your phone...hands free.........................
I just don't know about this one.....
I just don't know about this one......
♥♥♥
~~~ Were Moses to go up Mount Sinai today, the two tablets he'd bring down with him would be aspirin and Prozac.
.
~~~ And then there was the political candidate who hired two research assistants:
one to dig up facts and the other to bury them.
.
~~~ Robert Benchley, known for his generous tips, found the courtesies of the resort hotel lacking and decided not to tip at all.
"You're not going to forget me, sir?"the doorman asked anxiously.
"No," Benchley said, grasping the extended hand warmly.
"I'll write to you."
.
~~~ A big-city resident was spending his vacation in a small town in the country.
Chatting with a local in the coffee shop, he asked.
"Do you know any big people who were born here?"
The villager scratched his head and then said, "No, sir.
Only tiny babies are born here."
.
~~~ One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers:
"What does it mean to be British?"
Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland ...
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture & watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign."
.
~~~ A husband and wife are on vacation.
"Oh my God!" exclaims the wife..... "I just remembered I left the oven on."
"Don't worry about it," replies her husband.
"The house won't burn down..... I just remembered I left the bath running."
.
~~~ Dad's a safety-first kind of guy.
But while vacationing with some buddies, he was talked into going parasailing.
He was on the back of the boat getting hooked into the parachute when he nervously asked the pilot, "How often do you replace the rope?"
The pilot replied..... "Every time it breaks."
.
~~~ American writer and physician Dr. Holmes (1809-1894), a long time asthma-sufferer, was once asked how hay fever could be cured.
"Gravel is an effective remedy," he deadpanned.
"It should be taken eight feet deep."
.
~~~ "Do you want to insure this?" asked the clerk at the post office when I handed her my package.
"Nope" I answered..... "The contents aren't breakable."
The clerk wasn't so sure. "Sir, we are professionals..... We can break anything."
.
~~~ Just as I arrived home after working the night shift, my wife told me to go check out our five-year-old son's bed.
When I entered Jimmie's room, I saw that his bed had collapsed and the mattress was sitting on the floor.
"What happened?" I asked him.
He responded, "God did it."
Interesting, I thought, and went back to tell my wife.
Laughing she said that when she had heard the crash, she ran into Jimmie's room, saying, "Oh God, what have you done now?"
.
~~~ I was riding my horse in the backyard when my neighbor's nine- year-old boy, Conner, came over with his riding helmet and asked if he could have a riding lesson.
"Sure" I said, "but we have to put a saddle on the horse because I've been riding her bareback.
"Wide-eyed, he asked, "You ride bears, too?"
.
~~~ Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said.
'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
.
Todays Thought: The man who claims to be the boss in his own home will lie about other things as well.
.
.
~~~ And then there was the political candidate who hired two research assistants:
one to dig up facts and the other to bury them.
.
~~~ Robert Benchley, known for his generous tips, found the courtesies of the resort hotel lacking and decided not to tip at all.
"You're not going to forget me, sir?"the doorman asked anxiously.
"No," Benchley said, grasping the extended hand warmly.
"I'll write to you."
.
~~~ A big-city resident was spending his vacation in a small town in the country.
Chatting with a local in the coffee shop, he asked.
"Do you know any big people who were born here?"
The villager scratched his head and then said, "No, sir.
Only tiny babies are born here."
.
~~~ One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers:
"What does it mean to be British?"
Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland ...
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture & watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign."
.
~~~ A husband and wife are on vacation.
"Oh my God!" exclaims the wife..... "I just remembered I left the oven on."
"Don't worry about it," replies her husband.
"The house won't burn down..... I just remembered I left the bath running."
.
~~~ Dad's a safety-first kind of guy.
But while vacationing with some buddies, he was talked into going parasailing.
He was on the back of the boat getting hooked into the parachute when he nervously asked the pilot, "How often do you replace the rope?"
The pilot replied..... "Every time it breaks."
.
~~~ American writer and physician Dr. Holmes (1809-1894), a long time asthma-sufferer, was once asked how hay fever could be cured.
"Gravel is an effective remedy," he deadpanned.
"It should be taken eight feet deep."
.
~~~ "Do you want to insure this?" asked the clerk at the post office when I handed her my package.
"Nope" I answered..... "The contents aren't breakable."
The clerk wasn't so sure. "Sir, we are professionals..... We can break anything."
.
~~~ Just as I arrived home after working the night shift, my wife told me to go check out our five-year-old son's bed.
When I entered Jimmie's room, I saw that his bed had collapsed and the mattress was sitting on the floor.
"What happened?" I asked him.
He responded, "God did it."
Interesting, I thought, and went back to tell my wife.
Laughing she said that when she had heard the crash, she ran into Jimmie's room, saying, "Oh God, what have you done now?"
.
~~~ I was riding my horse in the backyard when my neighbor's nine- year-old boy, Conner, came over with his riding helmet and asked if he could have a riding lesson.
"Sure" I said, "but we have to put a saddle on the horse because I've been riding her bareback.
"Wide-eyed, he asked, "You ride bears, too?"
.
~~~ Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said.
'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
.
Todays Thought: The man who claims to be the boss in his own home will lie about other things as well.
.
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