.
The dog is saying; What the Ell is this thing?.......
This one wants someone to break her out.......
What can you say?.....
Kept the promise..........
Better luck, next time.......
What can you say?......
Awesome..? looks kinda weird!
Who are you ...saying I'm ugly?...
Awesome..? looks kinda weird!.
Who are you ...saying I'm ugly?....
Kept the promise...........
Better luck, next time........
♥♥♥
~~~ Went to the old comedians Home..
The old guys Were sitting on a porch calling numbers to each other.
"# 97".... yea that was almost as good as 114.
I asked the nurse, What's going on?
And she told me they had been dealing with the same jokes, so long that they numbered them. Right then someone called "27" and the old man on the corner started laughing so hard, he fell out of his chair and off the porch.
I looked at the nurse and she told me"he hadn't heard that one before.
.
~~~ Another man and I share a locker at work.
Noticing that it needed a new combination lock, my partner said he would pick one up on his way to work the next day.
It occurred to me later that I might not see him in the morning.
How would I find out the combination?
I needn't have worried.
When I arrived at work I found that he had used the locker before me and had left a note reading:
"To find the first number subtract 142 from your high score the last time we went bowling.
The second number is 16 less than that.
To find the third number subtract 1.87 from the amount you owe me."
.
~~~ Bobbie and I were discussing our mutual weight problem one evening, when I challenged her to a contest.
If I lost the most weight in the next month, I wouldn't have to pay her the $6 that I owed her.
If she lost the most weight, I would have to pay up.
Anything for an incentive!
"All right," said Bobbie happily.
"But let's wait two weeks before we start..... There are some things I have to eat first."
.
~~~ In my lectures on human genetics, I explained that males determine the sex of the offspring by contributing either an X or Y chromosome.
On the exam, I asked the question: How is the sex of a child determined?"
One student wrote: "By examining it at birth."
.
~~~ My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist for a new hairdo.
However, he was unable to pick her up, and so he had arranged ahead of time for me to do, and she was supposed to call me when she was ready to be picked up.
When the time came she must have dialed a wrong number, she reported later, as she received an unexpected response.
When she called, a man answered and said "Hello."
She cheerfully replied, "Come and get me!"
The man said, "Are you sure?..... This is Mitchell's Funeral Home."
.
~~~ Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A Place to hang their air freshener.
.
~~~ THOUGHTS TO LIVE BY ......
The old guys Were sitting on a porch calling numbers to each other.
"# 97".... yea that was almost as good as 114.
I asked the nurse, What's going on?
And she told me they had been dealing with the same jokes, so long that they numbered them. Right then someone called "27" and the old man on the corner started laughing so hard, he fell out of his chair and off the porch.
I looked at the nurse and she told me"he hadn't heard that one before.
.
~~~ Another man and I share a locker at work.
Noticing that it needed a new combination lock, my partner said he would pick one up on his way to work the next day.
It occurred to me later that I might not see him in the morning.
How would I find out the combination?
I needn't have worried.
When I arrived at work I found that he had used the locker before me and had left a note reading:
"To find the first number subtract 142 from your high score the last time we went bowling.
The second number is 16 less than that.
To find the third number subtract 1.87 from the amount you owe me."
.
~~~ Bobbie and I were discussing our mutual weight problem one evening, when I challenged her to a contest.
If I lost the most weight in the next month, I wouldn't have to pay her the $6 that I owed her.
If she lost the most weight, I would have to pay up.
Anything for an incentive!
"All right," said Bobbie happily.
"But let's wait two weeks before we start..... There are some things I have to eat first."
.
~~~ In my lectures on human genetics, I explained that males determine the sex of the offspring by contributing either an X or Y chromosome.
On the exam, I asked the question: How is the sex of a child determined?"
One student wrote: "By examining it at birth."
.
~~~ My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist for a new hairdo.
However, he was unable to pick her up, and so he had arranged ahead of time for me to do, and she was supposed to call me when she was ready to be picked up.
When the time came she must have dialed a wrong number, she reported later, as she received an unexpected response.
When she called, a man answered and said "Hello."
She cheerfully replied, "Come and get me!"
The man said, "Are you sure?..... This is Mitchell's Funeral Home."
.
~~~ Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A Place to hang their air freshener.
.
~~~ THOUGHTS TO LIVE BY ......
You shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
You shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
You shall not carry grudges, for they are the heaviest of all life'sburdens.
You shall face each problem as it comes.
You can only handle one at a time anyway.
You shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
You shall not borrow other people's problems.
They can better care for them than you.
You shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone.
Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
You shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own.
You shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.
You shall count your blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.
.
~~~ Walked into the store yesterday ......Damned that hurt......
.
~~~ One restaurant, knowing how people respond to excitement, devised a special plan.
When a customer ordered a steak dinner, the chef placed the meal on a hot steel plate.
Then, just before the waiter left the kitchen, he would drop an ice cube on the platter.
The waiter was instructed, "Walk slowly to the table.
We want everyone to hear the sound of that hot platter."
It wasn't the steak that was sizzling, but the ice.
The plan worked like instant advertising.
If customers were in the process of ordering, they'd hear that sound and choose a steak.
The sizzle produced the sale.
.
.
Todays thought: Rubbish - "Previously essential stuff"
.
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<☼>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
You shall not carry grudges, for they are the heaviest of all life'sburdens.
You shall face each problem as it comes.
You can only handle one at a time anyway.
You shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
You shall not borrow other people's problems.
They can better care for them than you.
You shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone.
Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
You shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own.
You shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.
You shall count your blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.
.
~~~ Walked into the store yesterday ......Damned that hurt......
.
~~~ One restaurant, knowing how people respond to excitement, devised a special plan.
When a customer ordered a steak dinner, the chef placed the meal on a hot steel plate.
Then, just before the waiter left the kitchen, he would drop an ice cube on the platter.
The waiter was instructed, "Walk slowly to the table.
We want everyone to hear the sound of that hot platter."
It wasn't the steak that was sizzling, but the ice.
The plan worked like instant advertising.
If customers were in the process of ordering, they'd hear that sound and choose a steak.
The sizzle produced the sale.
.
.
Todays thought: Rubbish - "Previously essential stuff"
.
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<☼>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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