Good Morning....People of the world, welcome to my place................
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Yah.....Right!

He knows.......Dogs and cats won't mess with them......

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Brewing up a storm............................................

And here it is.................................................................

Sez It all.....................................................

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Nowadays there's a pill for everything...to keep your nose from running, to keep you regular, to keep your heart beating, to keep your hair from falling out, to improve your muscle tone...

Why, thanks to advances in medical science, every day people are dying who never looked better.

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Psychiatrists say it's not good for a man to keep too much to himself.

The Internal Revenue Service says the same thing.

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The passenger aircraft was fully loaded and in the air after takeoff when the announcement came over the loudspeaker:

“Ladies and gentlemen, we've been working on a fully automatic piloting system for years that doesn't need a flight crew and are proud to announce that it has been perfected.

You are the first passengers to fly controlled by software only with nobody in the cockpit.

We are proud that during all our testing there has never been a mistake, mistake, mistake, mistake, mistake,...”

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Did you hear about that new, liberal Episcopal Church?

It has six commandments and four suggestions.

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100 years ago, the average man in the USA only lived to be 47 years old.

No wonder it took so long to invent Viagra.

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A man bought a parrot.

It sat in its cage all day saying, "Cracker want a polly.

Cracker want a polly."

The man's friend heard the bird and said, "That bird seems really confused!"

The owner said, "No, his name's Cracker, and he's very lonely."

Good Morning....Everbody.....hope ya have a great day !........
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Gotta keep cool.....................................

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BOY: Doc, my pet rabbit is sick.

I can't understand it.

I rub him down with Vaseline every day.

VET: No wonder!

Don't you know you're not suppose to use that greasy stuff on your hare?

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During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking.

One says to the other, "The thing I hate most about learning all this stuff is that you'll never use it in the real world."

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So, this man walks into the pharmacy and says, "Have you got cotton balls?"
The pharmacist says, "What is this, a joke?"

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As my son's seventh birthday approached, his excitement was reaching an all-time high.

As usual, Bobby was allowed to invite about a dozen kids who live on our block.

The morning of the big day, a woman called to say she couldn't make the party.

I must have sounded confused, so she added, “I'm Tommy's teacher.”

She paused, then said, “Didn't you know he'd invited me?”

“No,” I said, “but you're welcome to drop in later for a slice of birthday cake.”

After another pause, she said, “Did you know he asked the entire class...23 children in all?”

I hung up and turned to Tommy, who was fairly bursting with glee.

I asked why he had done such a thing.

“I always wanted a surprise party, Mom! Are you surprised?”

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The minute my wife entered the post office, the postmaster noticed the diamond earrings I had just given her.

"Those must be real diamonds," she said.

She was thrilled she'd noticed.

"Yes, they are.

How could you tell?"

"Because," she said, "no one buys fake diamonds that small."

Good morning.....Are we having fun yet ?........................................
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I is a small one...............................................

What can I say ?......................................................

Dinner keeps swimming away..................................................

Buddies.........................................................................

So that's what's at the end of the rainbow......................................

Come on buddy....lets be friends..................................................

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The Pope met with President Bush.

The good news was that they agreed on 80 percent of what they discussed.

The bad news was that they were discussing the Ten Commandments.

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I was feeding the ducks the other day and I accidentally dropped a Tylenol 3 in the water.

This sturdy looking duck gobbled it up in a couple of seconds.

I’ll bet he had a painless few hours.

I wonder what he would have done had it been Viagra.

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One hot summer, my three-year-old escaped in bare feet onto our sizzling porch.

She danced around in a panic, shouting shrilly.

"Dad! I need some sun scream!"

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The rather liberal young lady came home from the store and showed her husband the new dress she'd bought, which was made of plastic and totally transparent.

"But honey," the young man gasped, "people will see right through it."

"No they wont, dummy," she replied. "I'll be inside of it "

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When the talk is good, the feeling easy, the laughter light, the memories many, and the time too short, you know you are with a friend.

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No patient should have to leave the hospital until he's strong enough to face the cashier.

Good Morning......another weekend gone by with out "Witchy"



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My Mama loves me..............................................

Wez just frinds.....................................................

Had to much??

Smile for the camera.......................................................

Take my bike, and ride off in the sunset.......................,,,

You know this has gotta hurt.................................

Gotta keep the lady's happy..............

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Len and Harry, two postal workers had just gotten off their routes for the day when Harry saw Len step on a snail.

"Why did you step on that snail, Len?" asked Harry.

"Because that darn snail's been following me around work all day!"

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While the medical profession has conquered most of the childhood diseases, boys and girls seem to be afflicted as much as ever with whatever it is that prevents them from being sleepy at bedtime.

☺ I was out with my wife, Ruby, and my two children, Arty and Roy.

I was particularly frazzled that day and had my mind on a million different things.

After paying for our purchases at one store, I suddenly panicked.

Only Arty was standing by me.

Terrified, I asked Ruby, "Where's Roy?"

Calmly Ruby answered, "You're holding him."

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While working as a driving instructor, my father described to one of his students how to change a tire.

On their next lesson together, the student said, "I really know about changing a flat tire now."

"Really? What happened?" Dad asked.

"Well, I wasn't sure I remembered everything you told me, so when I got home I let the air out of one of my husband's tires and just watched what he did."

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The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount of money it has the nerve to collect.

Well....Well Good Morning....another weekend, gone by......

How time flys when your having fun.......................................

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Want to Play ??

I'm staying in.........................................

Pretty Butterfly...............................................................

Breakfast is being served.........................................................

Showing off her baby...........................................................

I dozn't care..............................................................

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Heating water for pasta, I kept checking to see if it had begun to boil.

My 13-year-old son shook his head.

"Stop doing that, Dad.

It's like that saying: 'A watched website never loads.'

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The new ensign was standing his first night watch on the bridge of a destroyer.

Far out on the horizon, the USS New Jersey was conducting a night gunnery exercise.

The ensign, seeing the flashes of light from the battleship, ran excitedly up to the signal bridge and pointed out the "Morse code" coming from the other ship.

Ensign: "What are they saying? What are they saying?"

Signalman: "Boom. Boom."

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An ad in our church bulletin read: “Receptionist needed for busy chiropractic office.”

I faxed my resume and got called for an interview.

After hanging up, I realized I didn't know the name or location of the business.

I found many listings for chiropractors in the phone book and dialed the first number.

“Are you hiring a receptionist?” I asked politely.

“Why?” countered a cold-rasped voice. “Do I sound that bad?”

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My brother-in-law had always been an outspoken, confrontational type who had an opinion on everything.

However, in his late-70s senility had begun to quietly settle in, and he had mellowed considerably.

Not too long ago we had gathered at the home of his son's family when Jerry and I found ourselves alone in the den, where the TV had been left on with the sound off.

A local station was doing a Twilight Zone Marathon and Rod Serling was introducing yet another episode.

The 1960ish reruns were making me smile with a feeling of warm nostalgia.

Nonetheless, I listened patiently as Jerry explained what was wrong with the world and how it should be fixed.

As he talked, however, I couldn't help but notice him glance at the TV periodically, with a rather annoyed look.

Finally, he leaned in real close and said in a hushed voice, "You know, Don...you would think that, as hard as he works...and as long as they've been married...they could afford a color TV by now."

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I like to look at girdle ads;I always stop to read 'em.

It tickles me the way the galsWho model 'em don't need 'em.

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When you get to be President, there are the honours, the 21-gun salutes, all those things.

You have to remember it isn't for you................

It's for the Presidency.

Harry S. Truman

Good Morning.....friends, family, and loves........................
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My Mama thinks I'm cute.....................

Well, I don't.......But I an't messing with "Mama".

Gotta have "Maxine" for Missy...................................

Bet his name is "Bear".....................................................

Play time.........................................................

I bet it's Hell on the curves or turn offs...........................

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Why is there a smart woman behind every successful man and a vacant space beside every successful woman?

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Paige was telling little sister Cassidy a movie was too scary to watch when middle sister Katie added with horror, "Especially when they kiss!"

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A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table.

He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.

When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it."

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It’s Hetty’s birthday and her husband Howard tells her that he has decided to buy her a new car.

Hetty is thrilled and can’t thank Howard enough.

Later that morning they go car hunting.

After visiting half a dozen car dealers, Hetty finds a car she likes the look of.

Howard calls over the salesman to prepare papers for his signing whilst Hetty goes back to the car to look at it one more time.

Suddenly she sees something she doesn’t like.

She goes back to Howard and says, "I’ve changed my mind.

I don’t want it." "But why, darling?" asks Howard, looking quite sad.

"You loved it 5 minutes ago."

"I don’t want to talk about it," says Hetty.

"Just take me home." Later, she tells Howard what caused her to change her mind.

"I suddenly realized that it was an ‘extra luxury’ model and so it had XL on its boot lid.

I just couldn’t own a car with XL on it.

It’s bad enough having XL on my underwear."

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If you don't want anyone to get your goat, don't let them know where you have it tied.

Good Morning.......peoples..........................................
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I can't wait........I'm so hungry.

I want some too......................................................

WE've already ate,.............thanks....................

Never fall asleep in the barbra's chair................

I've ate......nows nap time................................

I'm coming....I'm coming.............

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CUSTOMER: Waiter, do you serve crabs?

WAITER: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

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The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad: People this is unacceptable.

You have to limit the use of the phone.

I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone.

I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So what is the problem?

We all use our work telephones.

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A fellow was rummaging through the attic of a house he had inherited from a recently deceased grandparent when he came across a painting that looked like it had been done by one of the 18th Century great masters.

He also discovered a dusty violin that looked as though it might have been handmade.

Not being an authority on paintings nor on musical instruments of any kind, he decided to take the items to a professional appraiser.

After studying the finds for a little while, the appraiser put down his magnifying glass and said, "What you have here, young man, is a genuine Rembrandt and an authentic Stradivarius."

"Wow!" was all the fellow could say as his eyes widened and his heart began to pound.

"Unfortuneatly," added the appraiser, "Stradivarius was a lousy painter, and Rembrandt couldn't build a decent violin to save his life."

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A man walks into a meat market and says to the butcher, "I'd like a pound of kiddlies."

"Excuse me?" asked the meat cutter. "You'd like what?"

"A pound of kiddlies."

The butcher scratched his head and said, "By any chance, do you mean 'kidneys?'"

"Well," snorted the customer, "diddle I say kiddlies?"

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Driving downtown, I had to put on the brakes suddenly at an intersection when a vehicle cut us off.

I said loudly: "What a jerk!"

A couple of seconds later, my four-year-old daughter, Emma, shouted from the back: "Oh,Daddy, Momma was behind that guy yesterday!"

Good Morning......We had a nice stormy night..............................
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An't we Cute ?

Is the football game on yet ? Who's playing ?

Of course Maxine for "Bobbie"..........................

I don't know if I would do that....they can get mean.......

Playing with Mama...............................................

Here comes the cavalry..............................

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Question; what do you call a vegetairian with diareha?

Answer; salad shooter...

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At a gas station, my friend Pete , watched an older lady fill up her car.

As he was wondering whether or not someone her age should still be driving, she pulled up to him, rolled down the window and said. "Excuse me, sir..."

Pete walked over: "How can I help you?"

"What year is it?" she asked.

Feeling sorry for her, he replied, kindly, "It's 2008, ma'am."

The lady looked at him strangely and said, "No, your car.

What year is your car?"

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Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office where she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair...

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One warm morning, as I stripped off my sweatshirt at the breakfast table, my T-shirt started to come off, too.

My wife let out a low whistle, which I took as a compliment until she said, from behind her newspaper, "Can you believe the price of bananas?"

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When a psychiatrist asked his new patient what her main problem seemed to be, she said, "Hotcakes, doctor.

I simply adore hotcakes."

"Well," replied the psychiatrist, "I don't see that as a big problem.

I like hotcakes, too."

"You do?" the woman shrieked in delight.

"Then you must come to my house.

I have closets full of them!"

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A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he's talking about.

Good Morning.....Everyone....You know it's hot when the cat's are laying out....




Getting a tan, are ya............................

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Going green??...............

I don't know if I'd do that............(potholes)

He's saving gas..............................

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I was repairing the door to a busy entrance at the post office and propped an out of order sign against my ladder, which I placed in front of the door to keep customers out.

I was almost finished when one astute observer asked, "How long has your ladder been out of order?"

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Our home town newspaper advertised, "Read your Bible to know what people ought to do.

Read this paper to know what they actually do."

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I have a cousin who was on a plane that had taken off and was approaching cruising altitude, when one of the flight attendants came on the public-address system.

She announced that she was sorry, but the plane's restroom was out of order.

The flight attendant went on to apologize to the passengers for any inconvenience.

But then she finished cheerily with: "So, as compensation, free drinks will be served."

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A teenage boy seemed placid as I approached his hospital bed to give him a psychiatric evaluation.

His mother was seated nearby, immersed in her knitting.

I walked over and introduced myself to the boy.

He looked right through me and started screaming, "I can't see! I can't see!"

I had never witnessed such a dramatic example of hysterical blindness.

Turning to his mother, I asked, "How long has this been going on?"

Without looking up she replied, "Ever since you stepped in front of his television set."

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The Liberals talk about a stable government, but we don't know how bad the stable is going to smell.