Friday, April 8, 2016


Reverse psychology is like regular psychology except
the woman is facing the other way.
I went back to my local pet store and said:
"I want my money back for this budgie sunbed !"
The guy said: "That's a toaster-oven you moron."
My Doctor has a great stress test. It's called the bill"
Hotel ...
Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have
the plate he usually eats from."
Learn from your mistakes.
Make better & better mistakes until you're making the
best mistakes possible.
What do you give an Elephant with diarrhea?
Lots of room.
I really don't mind my wife's fat ass.....
except when I have to pry her out of the loveseat.
except when she rolls over onto my side of the bed.
except when the only thing left in the frig
 is a box of baking soda.
except when she shits her diaper.
except when I'm constantly having the doorjams repaired.
except when I had to carry her over the threshold...
with a backhoe.
Maybe bears only like honey so much becuase their throats
hurt from all the growling they do....
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the
good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years
ago and never restocked them.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk,
of course it was when I was turning green from drinking
too much, but still…
A study of economics usually reveals that the
best time to buy anything is last year.