Tuesday, February 23, 2016


My New Year's resolution?
Option A - lose weight.
Option B - Buy bigger jeans.
 I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in
case a cat burglar breaks in.
 [Barnes and Noble]
 CASHIER: anything else?
 ME: four barns and your finest noble please
 CASHIER: get out.....
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than
looking up from your phone to realise she's left.
She obviously wasn't blind at all.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you're not going to believe this.....
[job interview]
 "What's your greatest weakness?"
 I'm always hungry
 "That's not what I-"
 *takes out a cake* Also, I don't like to share..
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me
an encyclopedia.
That speaks volumes.....
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We're at the beach!
Me: Look! I'm in your house!
I'm allergic to bears.
One bear bite and it's straight to the ER for me.
why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?
because they like the taste of defeat.
Last night when I was in bed with the wife, she asked me
what I'd most like to do to her body.
Apparently, "Identify it" wasn't the answer she was after.