Sunday, February 7, 2016


I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.
Someone's going to be wrong.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and
needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he's the Joker.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in
and caught me and our son smoking pot.
Anyways I'm grounded....
Judge: "Have you anything to offer this court before I
pass sentence?"
Defendant: "No, your Honor, my lawyer took every penny."
Judge: "Do you realize you are facing the electric chair?"
Defendant: "I don't mind facing it -
it's sitting down in it that that worries me."
Don't kid yourself vegans.
If a cow got the chance he'd eat you and everyone
you know....
I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when
someone shows me an ultrasound pic..
Judge: "Order in the court !"
Defendant: "Thank you, your honor.
I'll have a cheeseburger, fries and a chocolate shake."
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened?
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a
shrek marathon..
Law Of The Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully
determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
[first day as Tour Guide in History Museum]
"And if you look over here you'll see a lot more really
old shit."