Friday, January 15, 2016


I went to the gym today and used a new machine....
I only used it for about an hour, as I started to feel sick,
but it's great: It's got potato chips, candy bars, and all
kinds of goodies in it.
Muffins - for people who don't have the guts to order
cake for breakfast.
I promised my vegetarian wife that I'd never eat a
dead animal again.
It was a silly promise and I wish I'd never made it.
I can't begin to tell you how difficult it is to eat a chicken
while it's flapping its wings.
I didn't hear the sea when I held up a Shell.
I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of
gas station.
I spotted my wife on the roof of the local supermarket
earlier, with a large crowd below looking up at her.
"Please baby, don't jump!" I pleaded. 
"I've had enough," she cried. "I'm gonna kill myself."
"No, you're not, sweetie" I snapped.
"It's only 10 feet, now get down and we'll go and find a
higher roof."
I bought a designer body bag and now I'm scared to
gain weight.
Louis Lane "there is no way broccoli is a superfood!"
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane "My God! Look, it's a superfood!"
I remember when "Something's eating up data."
meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I
don't like.
Few people know that inventor of the car alarm,
Enrico Irritanti, never owned an automobile.
He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing
about being a parent.
I would have to say it’s the kids.