Saturday, January 9, 2016


I was going through airport customs and they asked me,
"Do you have any firearms?"
Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the answer they
were looking for.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain
the plot to the dog..
My mother in law:
did you put the weight on?
Me: no...actually I've lost some.
You should have seen me month ago.
I looked like you......
 Some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for
years & mine can't even find a cracker that hit him in the
face on the way to the floor..
'I've been a very bad girl,' she said, biting her lip.
'I need to be punished.'
'Very well,' he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.
[God waking up with a hangover]
last night was a blur.
Whose prayers did I answer?
[sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh......
Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the
necessary qualifications.
He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the
boss so much that everything will be forgiven.
After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of
American History, he is called back to meet the sales
"You say you have experience selling books?"
"Lots of it," replies Jim.
"And you have a Master's in American history from the
University of Michigan?"
"Correct," replies Jim.
"History is my field of study."
"Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can
complete this form, we can get you started in the firm."
While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim,
obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle.
Looking around the room, he notices pictures of
Washington and Lincoln on the walls.
Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager
and says, "Fine looking men. Your partners?"
There is someone out there for everyone.
Unfortunately, statistically speaking, based on the numbers,
yours is probably in India or China. 
What men don’t realize is how many women date just so
they won’t have to cook dinner.
An elderly man had dinner at a very nice restaurant.
After he finished his wine, he went to the men's room,
then walked out through the bar.
It was a beautiful evening, so he decided to leave his car
in the parking lot and walk home.
When he arrived at his front door, he realized he didn’t
have his keys.
He finally figured they must be in his jacket pocket, which
was still hanging in the restroom.
He walked back to the restaurant, found his jacket in the
men’s room, and realized he’d left his hat on the table.
He strolled back to the dining room to retrieve his hat,
and when he got to his table, his wife asked,
“Is anything wrong?
You took such a long time in there.”
I disagree with Kay Jewelers.
I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night
more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.