☺☺
♥
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an
argument when you realize you're wrong.
argument when you realize you're wrong.
••
OBAMA IS COMING FOR YOUR GUNS!!
ME: OMG *clutches guns*
[7 years later]
ME (frustratedly checking my watch): This guy is taking
forever..
ME: OMG *clutches guns*
[7 years later]
ME (frustratedly checking my watch): This guy is taking
forever..
••
[First Date]
Me: tell me about yourself..
Her: I'm really vegan..
Me: oh no..
Her: and I have a kid..
Me: oh no..
Her: his name is Kale..
Me: ohhh noo......
Me: tell me about yourself..
Her: I'm really vegan..
Me: oh no..
Her: and I have a kid..
Me: oh no..
Her: his name is Kale..
Me: ohhh noo......
••
Jeopardy.....
Alex: This floats your boat.
Me [buzzing in]: What is buoyancy?
Alex: I'm sorry.
The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.
Jeopardy.....
Alex: This floats your boat.
Me [buzzing in]: What is buoyancy?
Alex: I'm sorry.
The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.
••
I know some of you old folks have been wondering why
baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs",
"Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old
people are called "Depends”.
Well here is the low down on the whole thing:
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna
Luv’em, Hug'em and Pamper ‘em.
When old people do it, it "Depends" on who's in the will.
Hope that was helpful.
baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs",
"Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old
people are called "Depends”.
Well here is the low down on the whole thing:
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna
Luv’em, Hug'em and Pamper ‘em.
When old people do it, it "Depends" on who's in the will.
Hope that was helpful.
••
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish
he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because
he's hungry.
he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because
he's hungry.
••
You may be a biker if.........
You've seen Easy Rider more than 20 times
Your girlfriend always wears leather and looks like the
leather she wears.
You think anything less than 50mpg is terrible gas mileage.
Your dream is to travel the US with just saddlebags and a
bedroll.
Your license plate frame says "My other ride is your mom"
You wouldn't be caught dead on that "Jap shit".
You know that a Fatboy is not an overweight kid
You weep every time you think of Evel Knievel..
You've seen Easy Rider more than 20 times
Your girlfriend always wears leather and looks like the
leather she wears.
You think anything less than 50mpg is terrible gas mileage.
Your dream is to travel the US with just saddlebags and a
bedroll.
Your license plate frame says "My other ride is your mom"
You wouldn't be caught dead on that "Jap shit".
You know that a Fatboy is not an overweight kid
You weep every time you think of Evel Knievel..
••
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at
you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR
MOUTH........
you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR
MOUTH........
••
The best part of being old for the holidays?
Nobody bats an eye when you 'randomly fall asleep' in
the middle of a conversation..
Nobody bats an eye when you 'randomly fall asleep' in
the middle of a conversation..
••
Failed my Politics exam.
The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the
modern world".
Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.
The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the
modern world".
Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.
••
My wife came home from work to find me sitting in
the shed, smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer.
"What do you think you're doing?" she asked.
"I'm playing hide and seek with the kids," I replied.
"I've been here for an hour, now."
"Oh, right," she laughed.
"Should I give them a clue where you are?"
"Why would you do that?" I said, cracking open
another beer.
"They're hiding from me."
the shed, smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer.
"What do you think you're doing?" she asked.
"I'm playing hide and seek with the kids," I replied.
"I've been here for an hour, now."
"Oh, right," she laughed.
"Should I give them a clue where you are?"
"Why would you do that?" I said, cracking open
another beer.
"They're hiding from me."
••••
