Down Hummingbird Lane

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I would totally buy a toilet seat with a scale in it so I could
see how much weight I lost every time I pooped...

 

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Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement
of dashes.
Ex. - First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.

 

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I just bought some of that new

genital deodorant for men
called Umpire.
 It's for foul balls...

 

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STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING
TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN'T HAVE BORROWED ALL
THAT MONEY..

 

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[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she's poisoning you,
why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza..
 [jury nods, murmurs]

 

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Clearly the people that design refrigerators don't know me
if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable
drawers is the way to go..

 

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 [homocide scene]
 DETECTIVE:"my god, in my 25 years on the force i've
never seen a dead ghost."
 COP:"sir?, we covered the body with a sheet."

 

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I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I've learned that
if it looks like you have your shit together,
people ask you to do stuff..
 

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Nephew drops my iPad, doesn't say sorry but proceeds
to offer me a biscuit..
His future in Politics is secure..

 

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Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb.
One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help.
We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and
we all fell and hurt ourselves....

 

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