Monday, January 4, 2016


[First person to ride a horse]
'I'm going to sit on that thing
and I don't care how angry it gets.'
What happened to the Irish man who thought about the
evils of drinking in the New Year?
 He gave up thinking..
Back in the sixties and seventies, Mick Jagger was always
undergoing paternity tests.
But it was like getting blood out of a stone.
When I was born, the doctor said to my father,
"I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still
pulled thru"..
It was amusing listening to a waiter at an IHOP try to
explain to a customer why they couldn't order
"Never ending pancakes" to go..
We called our dog "Kilo" cuz.....
every morning when he was a puppy, we'd wake up to
2.2 lbs of shit on the floor.
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch,
"You've got to help me!
 Every night I have the same horrible dream.
 I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in
and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!"
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a
nice restaurant and she orders something that isn't
on my coupon..
After a long day on the golf course, I stopped
in at Hooter's to see some friends and have
some hot Wings and ice tea.
After being there for a while, one of my friends
asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck
in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators".
I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.
Never have lunch...  with a chess player...... I did once.
There was a checkered tablecloth and it took him half
an hour to pass me the salt..
Push-up bras don't work.
I bought my wife one, but she can still only do about 5
reps before her arms get tired..