Down Hummingbird Lane

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I bought my wife a pair of fur panties for Christmas.
I wanted something that would tickle her fancy..

 

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My wife was trying on new accessories at the mall recently
and asked me what would make her new dress look sexier.
 I said, "Give it to your sister !"
Thats when it started..

 

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If a boy put rose petals all over my bed I’d be like you’re
cleaning this up.... I’m not cleaning this up..

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Once with my five year old in the car I had the signal light
on in the car and he asked what that sound was and I
said is to tell the people behind you that you are turning.
He thought about it for a while and then said.
 "do you think they can hear that??

 

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Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal
shampoo so it looks like I'm going to have a shiny,
healthy coat for the next few weeks.

 

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Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if
you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you
hold a map riding shotgun..

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WIFE: Not your eyes!
You don't have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON
EVERYTHING: *thru tears*

I made a commitment babe..

 

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Me: Could a drunk person do this!?
*assembles Ikea bookcase*
Her: that's supposed to be a couch.

 

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Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into
my hairbrush.... and other days... I take my medication..

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I'm thinking of running for the White House..
I don't think I'll make it though.
They have pretty good security.

 

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I'm starting to regret my "2015 FOREVER" tattoo.

 

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