Down Hummingbird Lane

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I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss..

 

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God: go to earth....
Jesus: why..
God: i have a plan..
Jesus: is it a nice plan..
God: it's a plan..

 

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If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the
majority of your relationship, move on.....
 In related news, I just broke up with my mom..
 

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Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?
Because everytime they try to pronounce "election"
everyone starts to giggle...

 

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Answering Machine Message...
Hello, this is Jim.
Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because
I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still
 made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone
right now, the resulting energy release would make
Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker.
So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you
as soon as my component particles have been restored
to their normal charges.

 

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We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating
storms.
Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more
seriously..

 

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Hate when Walmart doesn't have what I need & I have to
go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair
so I can go to Target..

 

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*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*

 

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MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED:
 G: Nobody gets the girl.
 PG: The good guy gets the girl.
 R: The bad guy gets the girl.
 X: Everybody gets the girl!

 

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To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym "DBOF":
Don't
Be
On
Fire...

 

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Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I
wanted when I got to the front of the line..

 

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Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s.
Ideas don't get any worse than that..

 

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