Sunday, January 31, 2016


Harry and his neighbor Joe often borrowed things from
each other.
One day, Harry asked to borrow Joe's ladder.
Joe said, "Sorry Harry, I've lent it to my son."
Remembering a saying that his grandma often used to
tell him, Harry said, "Joe, you should never lend anything
to your children because you'll never get it back."
Joe replied, "Don't worry, it's not my ladder - it's my dad's."
Girls before you call a guy ugly.....
remember he doesn't wear make up..
It was this little girl's first day of schooland the teacher
asked her what her name was andshe replied, "Happy Butt."
The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name you
need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened
So she went to the principal's office and he asked,
"What's your name?"
The little girl said, "Happy Butt."
The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened
out once and for all.
After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and
said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys,not Happy Butt."
The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt"what's the
 [pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it's a burrito
P: holy shit.......
Her: hey handsome, why don't you give me your number...
Me: ...because I still need it.
Went in for my checkup yesterday.
Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable,
but he's a great dentist so I let it go.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What's that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Death: I've come for you.
Me: That's what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every
Ok, see ya.
COWORKER: I'm my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren't.
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: "Jake?" *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into
my bag & back out of the room*
Charades is my favorite game.
We invite friends over, and my wife and I go through
the motions of being happily married.


Saturday, January 30, 2016


Everything my three year old says is like listening to
a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Looking for someone to shovel my snow while dressed
as a stormtrooper.
No weirdos.
To avoid small talk with neighbors, I've taken to checking
the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda
raccoon with bills.
Just replaced my shoelaces with earphones.
Now they tie themselves.
My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on
I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on
Then I unplugged his life support...
Why is religion the main reason people get killed,
yet all religions/beliefs preach peace?
I'm boycotting the Oscars this year because I wasn't
nominated for anything.
Your move academy.
I don't mean to brag but…
I've come in second place in every fight I've ever been in.
When a wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a
restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at
a nearby table.
Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and
saved his life.
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk
again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered
to pay him for his services.
"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.
"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd
have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
ME: What's this bit here?
NURSE: ...his heart....
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon..
ME: My résumé says a lot of things....


Friday, January 29, 2016


I told my doctor that I took a whole bottle of sleeping pills,
he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
A Greene county man was standing admiring the beauty
of Niagara Falls when a New Yorker standing next to him
said sarcastically: "I bet you don't have anything like this
in Greene."
"No," said the Virginian , "but we've got plumbers who
could fix it!"
A male elephant sees a beautiful female elephant stroll
over to the watering hole.
"Wow!" he exclaims to the other males, "look at that figure:
3600, 2400, 3600."
According to the most current magazine…
in my doctor's office, every home in America will have
a television by 1962..
Fred: "I can't believe Ben is in the hospital.
Just yesterday, I saw him with a gorgeous blonde."
Bob: "So did his wife."
[introducing myself to new girlfriends parents]
"Hi, I usually don't make it this far"
Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant?
He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.
Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it's
okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act
together and become hot.
Why do people point out their dog is adopted?
Are they worried we’ll become suspicious because it
doesn’t look like them?
I've never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast
across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about
to close.


Thursday, January 28, 2016


Drunk man staggering down the road comes across a
car broke down on the road, with a guy under the hood .
Drunk guy asks , wha, whats the prob problem?
Guy replies ; piston broke...
The drunk man says; me too...
Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of color.
Gus told his wife he wanted a guitar to play while sitting
in the Jacuzzi.
“The next day she bought him an electric guitar.”
I asked a magician how he did a particular trick and he
said: "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."
"OK", I said, "just tell my wife."
Two Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on a Mexican's door
and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus."
The Mexican said: "Oh no, what's he done now?"
Him: Favorite workout?
Me: Pilates.
Him: Why?
Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
There's no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat
that's been in the closet for a year.
Headline News: Police use spike strips to stop self-driving
runaway car going in circles.
It's the first time police have stopped anything making
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if
anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a
Whole Foods.
Are your clothes meant to scream out "help" when you
squeeze yourself into them?
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.


Wednesday, January 27, 2016



My wife asked me: "Do you think the excitement and
romance has gone out of our marriage?"
I said: "I'll discuss it with you during the next
commercial break."
A plumber goes to a psychic and before he can say
anything she says, "I can see great wealth in your future. "
"You could be right, " he said, "I'm here to fix your water
heater. "
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like "this drug may cause severe sexiness"
If by "junk in the trunk" you mean the untouched gym
bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in
my trunk.
 Me: That does it!
 [bangs on upstairs neighbor's door]
[Elephant on a pogo stick answers]
 Sup? Am I being too loud?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
"Guess who got laid last night?"
While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me
for an electric train set.
“If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going
 to want to play with it too..... Is that all right?”
The boy became very quiet.
So, moving the conversation along, I asked,
“What else would you like Santa to bring you?”
He promptly replied, “Another train.”

A newly ordained deacon was asked to hold a graveside
service for someone with no family or friends.
It was his first official assignment, so he eagerly agreed.
Taking his duties very seriously, the deacon left early the
next morning for the cemetery.
However, he made several wrong turns and quickly got
himself lost.
When he finally arrived more than an hour late, the hearse
was nowhere to be seen and the two workmen were eating
The deacon got out of his car, quickly threw on his
vestments, and hurried to the open grave.
Looking into the pit, he saw that the vault lid was already
in place.
With a sign, he took out his prayer book and read the
burial service.
After he had left, one of the workmen said to the other,
“Maybe we should have told him he just blessed
a septic tank.”
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze
circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered
out by vents.
How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
11... One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until
the room spins.
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an
attempt to spice up her dead sex life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on
the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...
Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you
wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank goodness for that. I thought you were sitting
on the cat."
Some people say that, Alcohols a drug.
Not me, I call it a vitamin.
Cause whatever your deficiency is, alcohol will treat it.