Monday, December 14, 2015


DAD: I want a steak.
HER: Eat this chicken instead. It's healthy.
DAD: No it isn't. It's dead.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don't
have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven--one to supervise, one to arrange for
the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure
that safety and quality standards are
maintained, one to monitor compliance with
local, state, and federal regulations, one to
manage personnel relations, one to fill out the
paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into
the water faucet.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
 Me: He probably didn't mean it ....
Elf cop:"We got a robbery in progress on
Candy Cane lane.
Hit the light Rudolf!
*Rudolf sticks nose through sunroof*
I was a war baby.
My parents took one look at me and started
I hate getting back into the car
after my wife has used it, because I have to
put everything back the way it was.
The seat, the mirror, the bumper, the fender........
HR: "You've put Kurt Russell down as an
emergency contact."
Me: "Yeah, I'd like to meet him before I die.
Dude is a legend."
What do you get when you cross a Jehova's
Witness with an Atheist?
Someone who knocks on your door for no
apparent reason.
Forget drugs, with these new airline baggage
fees, I'm gonna have to start smuggling my
luggage up my ass.
A married woman has a lover.
It's no secret, her husband and all their friends
know about it.
One day, the woman suddenly dies.
At the funeral, to the embarrassment of all,
the boyfriend is there and is crying hysterically.
Finally, the husband can't take anymore of it.
He approaches the man, puts his arms around
him and says "Please don't carry on like this.
I'll marry again.