Sunday, November 22, 2015


While vacationing in a remote area of Alaska,
I met an old mountain man, wise in the ways
one need be to live in an extreme wilderness
area like he did.
I asked him about the weater, did it rain a lot?
He said; "See those mountains over there"
and he pointed to them.'
I replied, "Yes."
"Well," he replied, ".. if you can't see those
mountains, that means it's raining.
If you can see them, that means it's going to
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry
each other, you'll have more available women
in your family to date!
I hate when I put my open beer down and
forget where I put it and then I find like 7 open
The person who is your first and last thought
of the day is either the one who has your heart,
or who's murder you're secretly plotting.
Two elderly ladies were discussing the
upcoming dance at the country club.
"We're supposed to wear something that
matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing
black," said Mrs. Smith.
"Oh my," said Mrs. Jones,
"I'd better not go."
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the
front of the class.....
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no… 
No Shave November....
No Deodorant December....
Lose Your Job January....
Forget To Pay Rent February....
Move in With Mom and Dad March...
Hi I'm here for my vasectomy.
"Would you like that toasted?"
"Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other
Ok let's do this."
"Four more years! Four more years!"
The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing.
This is not a good sign.
Gonna replace my friends' hand sanitizer with
lube and watch them rub their hands together
for an hour while it doesn't evaporate.
"Is that your dog?"
"No, actually she's adopted...
we were unable to conceive a dog naturally
My doctor said I'm healthy enough
for sexual activity.
She said I'm just not attractive enough.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
"That's the look I was going for. "
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed
at her and then she turned back into a paper
clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order
ME: I think we're being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep....
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking..
she died doing what she loved: looking at her
phone while crossing the street.....
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla,
anything that falls out will simply start building
your next burrito....