Monday, November 2, 2015



"When I die, I want my tombstone to be a WiFi
hotspot......that way people visit more often."
If it's not working then use bacon.
If it still doesn't work then you're not using
enough bacon.
OMG. Just found out I have SDF....
What's that?
Synchronous Diaphragmatic Flutter.
What the crap is that?
Gus brings a laser pointer to the Broadway
showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem....
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive?
I should not have to pay this much to not be
People should pay ME to not be naked....
*buys shed at Lowes*
Lowes: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it's going in the garden.
Lowes: I can't help you anymore.
My girlfriend says I'm so rude Just because
I use my smart phone often with my middle finger.
"Quit mowing your lawn you heathen and go to
Me as I put in earplugs and go back to bed on
a Sunday morning.
When you have the opportunity to become a
bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I've discovered the best way to get attention
is to sit on the coffee table and meow loudly.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it
spelled 'oooooooo' on the floor.