Friday, November 20, 2015



Interviewer: how do you explain the long gap
in your resumé?
Me: I fell asleep with my face on the spacebar...

Obesity is now such a problem in the Navy
that they've created a new rank:
Really Big Rear Admiral...
Did you hear about the terrorist.
who went into a munitions store and tried to
buy a grenade on his debit card?
It all went wrong when the cashier asked him
for his pin.
The wife and I were out for dinner
The waiter approached our table and asked us
if we enjoyed our meal.
"It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!"
said my wife.
 "And Sir?" said the waiter.
"How did you find the pork belly?"
"Oh, about six years ago, we met on vacation."
Coworker: Do you party?
Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that
I stay up past 11pm..... So yeah.
I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street
fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap
my fingers to a clever song about friendship.
The benefits of joining ISIS:
* A new identity.
* Intense religious indoctrination.
* A virgin bride to marry.
Oh, sorry... That's Scientology.
If carrots are so good for the eyes,
why are there so many dead rabbits on the
Tip of the day......
To get sincere personal advice and the correct
time, try calling a random telephone number at
4 in the morning.
So smoking will kill you...bacon will kill you..
but smoking bacon will cure it.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I'll just take a vitamin or something.
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing
the best positions for prayer while a telephone
repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,"
the priest said.
"No," said the minister.
"I get the best results standing with my hands
outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said.
"The most effective prayer position is lying
down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
"Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin'
I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down
from a telephone pole."
Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf..
Guy: do you mean polo?
Me: [realizing he isn't classy enough to know
about horse golf] yes..
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish
a sentence before making a suggestion.