Wednesday, November 4, 2015



I needed to measure my waist but
I couldn't find the tape measure.
So I just shoved a ruler up my butt and
multiplied it by pi.
My girlfriend said she was ready for a trip down
the aisle.
I sent her to Bass Pro with my credit card and
told her to bring me back some fishing lures.
She brought back melted charge card :(
Him: You're a DJ?
I'm not one for dancing.
I've got this leg, you see?
I've had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.
Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most
in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!"
The bank says this is my final notice.
Isn't it great they're not going to bother me
anymore ?
Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex
when you're drunk"
Husband says "That’s not true . . . Sometimes
I want a kebab"
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until
he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
The worst part of the robot uprising will be the
constant software updates....
How many blondes does it take to change a
I don’t know, ask Hugh Hefner...